I am writing this after an inexplicably long hiatus, sitting
in an apartment on the 27th floor of a building that is clearly not
mine, although in the past few weeks, I’ve spent more time here than I have in
my own place. Time hanging out with a fiercely independent almost-two-year-old,
who thinks hugs are the greatest gifts and Cookie Monster in her best friend,
but still has a comeapart when there is no ice in her water. Last week, I spent
a day with Tessa, now almost four, who was an immobile dollop of rosy-cheeked
and giant-eyed four-month-oldness when I met her. She has grown into a
quick-witted person with thoughts and opinions about everything. (Word to the
wise: Those opinions are ALWAYS right.)
These tiny women are treasures in their pirate hats and
tiaras, conquering building blocks and Spanish phrases while learning to spell
and count. They will grow from striking toddlers to precocious little women and
the world can’t drop the ball for them or for any of the other rad little
ladies out there. The last time I wrote about this, my friend Elyse challenged
me to write a Bill of Rights for Tiny Ladies and so I am, a bit overdue.
Supporting young women as they grow into older women is the way the world
moves, the way it becomes better. It is a spark to light a fire to make a
brighter tomorrow for women everywhere.
1.)
The unequivocal right to identify her dreams and
pursue them, whether that is at breakneck speed or snail’s pace.
2.)
A nickname that is based on something she did that
was silly or impressive, not a physical attribute or a moment that will be
horrifying in five years. No one wants to keep explaining the aforementioned
horrifying incident, especially not a poor pubescent lady trying to be
ladylike.
3.)
The understanding that she does not need to
explain herself or apologize. Ever.
4.)
A respectful space to come to terms with and
learn to love her physical being. This is so hard. I had a space like this at
home and it still took me 26 years to reach a place where I was really and
truly comfortable in my skin. And I still take celebrity fat-shaming really
personally, as though it’s some valued reflection on my own body. I JUST LOST
30 POUNDS, for goodness sake. This is a cycle that has to be broken before
another female life falls victim to it; I know I’m done being a victim to it,
sensitive though I still may be.
5.)
The chance to inherit or form her own healthy
habits regarding activity, nutrition, stress, and self-esteem. Young women
should not be forced to feel the shame regarding their bodies and stress, etc.
that their mothers and female relatives do. There needs to be dialogue to help
older women cope with these issues in an effective way to make sure young women
are not having the anxieties, the bad habits deeply rooted into their psyches.
6.)
The ability to walk across a room or down the
street in silence, without feeling unsafe, if she so chooses. Walking home late
at night or down that block that seems a little sketchy or through that area
where there are a lot of bars or even just to the other side of the bar for
that matter, what grown woman hasn’t felt her breath catch in her chest and
sped up her footfalls as fast as possible, searching her purse for a possible
weapon. Or just been grabbed by some random guy. Or just had some drunk guy
start a (usually inappropriate) conversation with her, about her lips or her
legs in that dress or the way that dress would look on the floor. These
conversations and actions would merit lawsuits in a workplace and they don’t
make getting from point a to point b any easier.
7.)
The knowledge that there is someone who is on
her side, no matter what and no matter when. No one should ever have to feel
wholly alone, especially in the delicate time before being a grown up. I think
back to the time my friends Mollie and Brandon followed my ex-boyfriend to my
apartment, knowing he was going to break up with me. In the moment my world
felt like it had fallen apart, there they were. Everyone deserves that.
8.)
An understanding of what it means to be a woman
and that chance to understand what that means to her. The knowledge that being
a women has not always meant what it does in our society and respecting those
who pioneered feminism and suffrage and lobbied for the rights of women. The
knowledge that there are women, still, who are not afforded freedoms we take
for granted every day.
9.)
A cultivated celebration of diversity. She
should learn that tolerance and change are always worth fighting for and that
the world can only be made stronger by the countless perspectives in it if we
stop and listen to each other rather than fight each other tooth and nail.
10.) The
empowerment to order for herself at a restaurant. This does not sound like a
big deal, but when was last time someone ordered for you at a restaurant?
Unless you are sharing something and really only one of you can order then, it
makes you feel a little meek and awkward.
11.) The
ability to make a decision, firmly and unapologetically. This is important.
Whether it is where to move after college or how a person prefers their eggs a
la Runaway Bride, it shows decisiveness and that she actually knows a little
but about herself.
12.) The
ability to say no. When society is constantly telling women that they need to
have it all, I feel like this skill gets really muddied on a large scale
level. Every facet of life does not
require multitasking. Likewise, every moment of every day does not need to be
saturated with activity or plans or commitments. It is ok to learn to say no
and make use of that skill.
13.) Access
to positive female role models (and male), both real and fictitious. When I was
young, my role models were Olivia Newton-John, Bette Davis, and Nancy Drew. I’m
now really inspired by Amy Poehler and her work with Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls,
Tina Fey, CJ Craig, and Nancy Drew.
14.) Access
to as many books, musicals, plays, operas, paintings, etc. as she can consume. My
parents were truly amazing and took me to the library so often that I literally
read every book in the Young Adult section. Every book. I also listened to
every single musical theatre recording in the Beavercreek Public Library, and
subsequently, the Ball State University Library. I still read voraciously and I
remember seeing my parents reading and playing music and doing art all the time
growing up. They did these things with me and I think that explains about 95%
about who I am, particularly my affinity for Rock Music from 1975-1983.
15.) The
knowledge of how to seek out and cultivate relationships with other females who
will make you stronger, even when you cannot find your own footing. Female to
Female relationships can be really tricky. There was a recent survey I read and
I wish I could find to actually link here, but it was a hard copy alas, but the
gist showed the way that females who claim to be “friends” in the workplace
hold each other down. Think about Mean Girls. Think about your friends, your
frenemies. In a culture where young girls are raised thinking it’s normal to
treat each other the way girls on TV do, it’s no wonder girl on girl hate and
bullying is so rampant. Now that I am an adult, I understand that friendship is
not a constant, it’s an ebb and flow that changes as the people in it change
and their needs vary. And that’s kind of a beautiful thing. But you have to
find people who will support you, lift you up, believe in you when you are
feeling crummy and be willing to do the same for them. Otherwise, what’s the
point?
16.) An
understanding of feminism and its importance and why you cannot denounce
feminism as an intelligent woman in 2013 and beyond. My heart sank when Katy
Perry actually voiced the words that she is not a feminist last year. Being a
feminist is not about being militant or butch; it’s about celebrating women.
It’s about helping them be equal. It’s about a lot of really amazing, smart
sparks who want to change the world and respect the women in it. And the women
who did that before. Women in 2013 would not be where they are, 20% life
earning gap or not without feminism and when a pop icon denounces the entire
vein of education and thought, a huge opportunity for cultivating change is
lost and wasted.
17.) The
opportunity to make mistakes and messes in a safe space.
18.) The
opportunity to learn how to have relationships with men who are respectful and
kind, either romantically or platonically.
19.) The
opportunity to know that beauty is more than just what some magazine tells you.
I’ll spare you a rant about the media’s affect on body dysmorphia and eating
disorders. However, beauty is something more than black dresses and red
lipstick. It is generosity and kindness and seeing baby smile. It’s crashing waves on Lake
Michigan and seeing elephant seals on the California Coast. It’s hugging your
mom after not seeing her for months and that little voice that you heed when
you do the right thing. It is just so much more than skin deep.
20.) The
opportunity to never be told she’s fat or skinny or made to feel like she needs
to do something desperate to change her body just to fit in.
21.) A
vocabulary so full of words that it is unnecessary to use demeaning ones toward
friends. Language is the entire basis of most interactions that people have.
Aside from English being a predominantly masculine language, women have adopted
many extreme words as terms of endearment. But, just because a word is a term
of endearment to one person doesn’t make it kind to another. I think these
conversations based on name-calling like this are detrimental to female-female
interaction.
22.) An
understanding of how far kindness and gratitude can truly go. Seriously, they
are everything.
23.) Ceaseless
education. No one should ever stop learning; the almost two year old is Jewish
and I have learned a ton about Judaism and keeping kosher from her family. It’s
awesome. Every child, boy or girl, should have the chance to pursue education
in a way that works for them as far as they can.
24.) Time
to try out a myriad of different things and weed out the ones that are a bad
fit to stick with the ones that really work. I sing really well. But my first
instrument was the piano. Then the saxophone. My parents said the happiest day
of their lives was when I stopped playing the saxophone. And as it turned out,
knowing theory from piano made studying voice really easy for me; much easier
than practicing piano. Which is how I realized I had a pretty decent voice. I
still sing, almost constantly, but I actually take lessons even in adulthood.
25.) A
chance for opportunity and adventure beyond her wildest dreams.
I’m not naïve. I understand what an undertaking it would be
to provide any one of those things to any one child, much less a world of them,
factoring in constraints of poverty and rural/urban settings, etc. But something has to change for the ladies of the US, of the world. The politicization of uteruses, the pay gap, being one of the only developed countries with a parental leave system so sloppy that we can hardly support new families. There are obstacles, giant hurdles that require more than a leap of faith and change of heart. That being said, if
no one ever tries to celebrate these aspects of girlhood by building this well
of self-esteem and knowledge into our future women, where is the future going
to go? And maybe by investing in the future, we can solve some of the problems we have today so that our little women don't have to tackle them tomorrow.
