Dear Rachel,
Thanks for excellent pizza late last night. And for navigating us to Hyde Park via a bus I'd never ridden before. Also for being pretty awesome and having a few pretty awesome friends to be...awesome with. I dig it, even though I've only known you for like two weeks. BFFs :)
Love,
me
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Reasons I Am Suffering from Spring Fever
1.) Were you here for the blizzaster that was the month of February? In so many more ways than just the weather. Oy.
2.) Sunshine. Sunshine Sunshine. It makes me want to do cartwheels and lay on the beach and twirl down busy streets and gather flowers that will make me sneeze. And just be outside. In the sunshine.
3.) Thunderstorms make me really antsy. So does the nervousness of anticipating that one could be right around the corner. That's kind of feverish, right? It's ok. I don't mind bunkering down in blankets and hiding myself in music and books until it's pretty enough outside to go splash in the puddles.
4.) My hopeless romantic heart. There is something so beautiful in sunshine and kisses in the warm, rain and sharing an umbrella with a stranger and going to the park/zoo/famer's market to stroll, hand in hand. It's the little things that make me fall in love with love a little more. And I know I mention it every single time the season changes. But seriously. Warm weather makes people over the moon for that silly love stuff. And I'm totally one of them. Even willing to throw caution to the wind and say yes and let this cold,cold heart feel things it wasn't really interested in feeling, being all independent and set it its ways like it is.
5.) Oncoming warmth and greenness after Winter's cold icy grey stare for months and months is just the biggest sigh of relief that the universe gives us all year long. Even if it is accompanied with thunderstorms. And I know that this winter has made me lose my mind a little. Good riddance.
6.) Farmer's Market. Fruits and vegetables are so much better from the farmer's market and it returns in all of its glory with the sunshine and springtime and such. Therefore, you can acquire the fixings for all kinds of new cooking adventures.
7.) Bikes! My bike is in desperate need of attention and repair. But once it's fixed, I'm totally riding it everywhere.
8.) Spring marks the start of training for the marathon for me, a huge deal. It's a life goal, a committment to something huge and hard that I will definitely not be exceptional at. And we all know that I struggle at things I'm not so hot at. But I will persevere. And I will finish that race in October. Promise.
9.) I'd like to spend my days being in starry-eyed awe of the glorious city I live in and the beautiful people in my life and the possibilities of love and adventure and life life life breathed into every step, corner, trip on the red line in Spring time. Kisses and whispers and sunsets on the beach and whatnot.
10.) Spring also marks the end of grad school, marks a huge victory, marks looking much more exciting on paper than I generally feel. <3
11.) Galoshes. Galoshes, light scarves, jackets. Lace, pastels, off white shoes. Soft, pretty pink lipstick and shimmery eyeshadow. Spring is pretty, light, easy in its fashion. I feel for that. Just not the florals.
12.) A few promising things that have me all a-smile. In several different spheres of my life.
13.)
Let's do this, Springtime.
2.) Sunshine. Sunshine Sunshine. It makes me want to do cartwheels and lay on the beach and twirl down busy streets and gather flowers that will make me sneeze. And just be outside. In the sunshine.
3.) Thunderstorms make me really antsy. So does the nervousness of anticipating that one could be right around the corner. That's kind of feverish, right? It's ok. I don't mind bunkering down in blankets and hiding myself in music and books until it's pretty enough outside to go splash in the puddles.
4.) My hopeless romantic heart. There is something so beautiful in sunshine and kisses in the warm, rain and sharing an umbrella with a stranger and going to the park/zoo/famer's market to stroll, hand in hand. It's the little things that make me fall in love with love a little more. And I know I mention it every single time the season changes. But seriously. Warm weather makes people over the moon for that silly love stuff. And I'm totally one of them. Even willing to throw caution to the wind and say yes and let this cold,cold heart feel things it wasn't really interested in feeling, being all independent and set it its ways like it is.
5.) Oncoming warmth and greenness after Winter's cold icy grey stare for months and months is just the biggest sigh of relief that the universe gives us all year long. Even if it is accompanied with thunderstorms. And I know that this winter has made me lose my mind a little. Good riddance.
6.) Farmer's Market. Fruits and vegetables are so much better from the farmer's market and it returns in all of its glory with the sunshine and springtime and such. Therefore, you can acquire the fixings for all kinds of new cooking adventures.
7.) Bikes! My bike is in desperate need of attention and repair. But once it's fixed, I'm totally riding it everywhere.
8.) Spring marks the start of training for the marathon for me, a huge deal. It's a life goal, a committment to something huge and hard that I will definitely not be exceptional at. And we all know that I struggle at things I'm not so hot at. But I will persevere. And I will finish that race in October. Promise.
9.) I'd like to spend my days being in starry-eyed awe of the glorious city I live in and the beautiful people in my life and the possibilities of love and adventure and life life life breathed into every step, corner, trip on the red line in Spring time. Kisses and whispers and sunsets on the beach and whatnot.
10.) Spring also marks the end of grad school, marks a huge victory, marks looking much more exciting on paper than I generally feel. <3
11.) Galoshes. Galoshes, light scarves, jackets. Lace, pastels, off white shoes. Soft, pretty pink lipstick and shimmery eyeshadow. Spring is pretty, light, easy in its fashion. I feel for that. Just not the florals.
12.) A few promising things that have me all a-smile. In several different spheres of my life.
13.)
Let's do this, Springtime.
A Collection of Some Advice I've Received in the Past year or so...
When you are lost, seeking direction, trying to cling to dreams and caffiene, the people that know you best always have words of wisdom to try to get you to some semblance of happy, normal, restored. Tough love, words of wisdom, simple advice, bossiness. Little things to help you turn obstacles into popcicles. Right? I have received a good deal of advice in my wandering of the past year and some of it was really sound. Most of it was really sound. Some of it was funny. Some of it was conflicting. Some I took, some I most assuredly didn't. But it seemed that it should be collected and shared. If nothing else, in celebration of needing advice about things that are way more fun and exciting than advice needed previously :)
On What You Want to Be When You Grow Up:
~You won't have to give glitter stars forever.
~You don't have to know what you want out of forever; just today.
~You are special and different in a million and one ways than every other cute brunette applying to any given job on any given day.
~Update your resume every 2 months.
~Never lose track of an important contact.
~Always make an important opportunity work, even if it means working 7 days a week and being a no fun pouty face.
On dating:
~Don't wear the red lipstick. It makes it look like you are only thinking about one thing.
~Don't wear the red lipstick. It makes you seem standoffish.
~Don't wear the red lipstick. Then you can't kiss him goodnight.
~Sit across from him, not next to him.
~Slight cleavage on the first date.
~Wear the red lipstick. It's totally your thing.
~If he wants to find you, he'll find you.
~You should really try to like someone for the right reasons for once.
~DON'T SALT YOUR OWN GAME.
On life:
~Pot. Kettle. Black. Fuck You.
~Always remember to spray the shaft.
~The only thing you can really use is your fingers; don't try to use something else to make that happen.
~Add a splash of coke to your gin and tonic. Old bar trick.
~Everyone likes a girl that can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue.
~If it's wet and not yours, don't touch it.
~Cupcakes make people happy.
~Kill with Kindness.
~Drink water.
~Sometimes the nestthing to do is to just go home to your mother.
~Do not under any circumstances, be that girl.
~Finish your homework. But don't neglect fun.
~Don't do anything you'd be ashamed to tell your mother.
~Faith. Trust. Pixie Dust.
~Serendipity has you.
~Sometimes a step at a time is too much. Sometimes you just need to take it a breath at a time.
~Always say thank you. For everything.
~What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
~Do what makes you happy. If that'a dancing around to Taylor Swift and baking copious amounts of cupcakes, so be it.
On Running:
~Listen to good music and don't let your feet stop moving.
~Let go of whatever's bothering you by the end of mile 1, little by little, step by step.
On Love:
~The fairy tale is there somewhere. You just have to stop looking for it.
~Time takes time.
~Figure out yourself. Then you can worry about figuring out someone else.
~Yeah, not going for it because there might be someone better sounds like the easiest way to end up alone.
~You're too pretty to be that girl.
Perhaps the best of all:
~Be unashamedly and unabashedly yourself. Always.
To coming closer to the last one (red lipstick and all) than ever before. Cheers.
On What You Want to Be When You Grow Up:
~You won't have to give glitter stars forever.
~You don't have to know what you want out of forever; just today.
~You are special and different in a million and one ways than every other cute brunette applying to any given job on any given day.
~Update your resume every 2 months.
~Never lose track of an important contact.
~Always make an important opportunity work, even if it means working 7 days a week and being a no fun pouty face.
On dating:
~Don't wear the red lipstick. It makes it look like you are only thinking about one thing.
~Don't wear the red lipstick. It makes you seem standoffish.
~Don't wear the red lipstick. Then you can't kiss him goodnight.
~Sit across from him, not next to him.
~Slight cleavage on the first date.
~Wear the red lipstick. It's totally your thing.
~If he wants to find you, he'll find you.
~You should really try to like someone for the right reasons for once.
~DON'T SALT YOUR OWN GAME.
On life:
~Pot. Kettle. Black. Fuck You.
~Always remember to spray the shaft.
~The only thing you can really use is your fingers; don't try to use something else to make that happen.
~Add a splash of coke to your gin and tonic. Old bar trick.
~Everyone likes a girl that can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue.
~If it's wet and not yours, don't touch it.
~Cupcakes make people happy.
~Kill with Kindness.
~Drink water.
~Sometimes the nestthing to do is to just go home to your mother.
~Do not under any circumstances, be that girl.
~Finish your homework. But don't neglect fun.
~Don't do anything you'd be ashamed to tell your mother.
~Faith. Trust. Pixie Dust.
~Serendipity has you.
~Sometimes a step at a time is too much. Sometimes you just need to take it a breath at a time.
~Always say thank you. For everything.
~What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
~Do what makes you happy. If that'a dancing around to Taylor Swift and baking copious amounts of cupcakes, so be it.
On Running:
~Listen to good music and don't let your feet stop moving.
~Let go of whatever's bothering you by the end of mile 1, little by little, step by step.
On Love:
~The fairy tale is there somewhere. You just have to stop looking for it.
~Time takes time.
~Figure out yourself. Then you can worry about figuring out someone else.
~Yeah, not going for it because there might be someone better sounds like the easiest way to end up alone.
~You're too pretty to be that girl.
Perhaps the best of all:
~Be unashamedly and unabashedly yourself. Always.
To coming closer to the last one (red lipstick and all) than ever before. Cheers.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thanks Stephen Daldry
Dear Stephen Daldry,
A year ago today, my catterwalling sounds during Skid Row caught your attention and you bought drinks for Jason and I at my very first musical monday. It opened a door to a place that is my escape, my favorite night of the week, the chance for a couple of hours to be the fiery starlet I always wished I could have been, belting as high as I can. A place that has given me a reason not to repeat dresses, to delineate between gay pretty and straight pretty, a reason to find my pretty again, and many new friends and smiles and misadventures-- home base. And it all started with you, Mr. Daldry. (Your work is pretty epic too. I looooved The Hours.)
Love,
me
A year ago today, my catterwalling sounds during Skid Row caught your attention and you bought drinks for Jason and I at my very first musical monday. It opened a door to a place that is my escape, my favorite night of the week, the chance for a couple of hours to be the fiery starlet I always wished I could have been, belting as high as I can. A place that has given me a reason not to repeat dresses, to delineate between gay pretty and straight pretty, a reason to find my pretty again, and many new friends and smiles and misadventures-- home base. And it all started with you, Mr. Daldry. (Your work is pretty epic too. I looooved The Hours.)
Love,
me
Monday, February 14, 2011
Things that Make Me Feel Better When I'm Sick
1.) My mom's chicken and rice. It always involves potatoes and those little starry shaped noodles. And her chicken is just always so much better than the way mine turns out when I try to make it. The ultimate in comfort food: made with love, consumed for the soul and spirit with mommy care in every tiny grain of rice.
2.) Daisies. Such friendly flowers. Extra points if you know where that came from, because the source material would be on this list if the DVD were not missing in action.
3.) My copy of Eclipse that Cory annotated for me. I almost always revisit it when I'm feeling under the weather and his short notes in the margins and long notes in the back cover make me feel just like he's not across an ocean and here to give hugs.
4.) A cup of Earl Grey, with a splash of milk and a little bit of honey. I'm certain that most of the world's problems could be solved with a cup of tea in the afternoon.
5.) Surprise sick day visits from people who love you enough to brave your germs to come keep you company. Even the kind of visitors that stay generally out of the way of your personal space to try to stay not sick, but still talk and watch movies and bring things for cheer and comfort (including bot not limited to food, gatorade, orange juice, films, books, magazines, bits of gossip, etc.)
6.) Coloring. Seriously. When bed bound, I have been known to bust out the crayons and my Princess coloring book and color away. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm 7 and useless when I'm sick?
7.) NyQuil Comas. I feel like this is self-explanatory.
8.) The lotion-y tissues. They don't destroy your nose when you have to blow it a hundred times an hour.
9.) Reading new books/ watching new movies and tv shows. It's always a little escape to see or do something new which is always lovely.
On that note, it's back to bed with sniffles and a cough for me :( I think you know what that means...^^^
2.) Daisies. Such friendly flowers. Extra points if you know where that came from, because the source material would be on this list if the DVD were not missing in action.
3.) My copy of Eclipse that Cory annotated for me. I almost always revisit it when I'm feeling under the weather and his short notes in the margins and long notes in the back cover make me feel just like he's not across an ocean and here to give hugs.
4.) A cup of Earl Grey, with a splash of milk and a little bit of honey. I'm certain that most of the world's problems could be solved with a cup of tea in the afternoon.
5.) Surprise sick day visits from people who love you enough to brave your germs to come keep you company. Even the kind of visitors that stay generally out of the way of your personal space to try to stay not sick, but still talk and watch movies and bring things for cheer and comfort (including bot not limited to food, gatorade, orange juice, films, books, magazines, bits of gossip, etc.)
6.) Coloring. Seriously. When bed bound, I have been known to bust out the crayons and my Princess coloring book and color away. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm 7 and useless when I'm sick?
7.) NyQuil Comas. I feel like this is self-explanatory.
8.) The lotion-y tissues. They don't destroy your nose when you have to blow it a hundred times an hour.
9.) Reading new books/ watching new movies and tv shows. It's always a little escape to see or do something new which is always lovely.
On that note, it's back to bed with sniffles and a cough for me :( I think you know what that means...^^^
Gratitude
I'm eternally grateful for the incredible people in my life who love me and listen to me and hug me and give me tissues to dry my tears and pep talks when I'm down and celebrate all of my little wins with me.
Gratitude is the greatest gift you can give someone; a true and honest emotion. I started thanking people in this blog at a time when gratitude was the only thing I felt I didn't have to lie about. I was miserable and pretending to be happy, angry masquerading as peaceable, jovial. It reminded me how to truly feel something the way it should be felt and share the way something like gratitude should be shared.
Even now that I'm a slightly more happy and well-adjusted person, when there are days like today, I'm reminded of that time and reminded all over again that I don't know how I would have possibly made it from point a to point f without the influence, interference, love, guidance, support, and blessings that the people around me have brought to my life.
Thanks, even when there are tears and it seems a little harder to breathe, for big and small things, always always always.
Gratitude is the greatest gift you can give someone; a true and honest emotion. I started thanking people in this blog at a time when gratitude was the only thing I felt I didn't have to lie about. I was miserable and pretending to be happy, angry masquerading as peaceable, jovial. It reminded me how to truly feel something the way it should be felt and share the way something like gratitude should be shared.
Even now that I'm a slightly more happy and well-adjusted person, when there are days like today, I'm reminded of that time and reminded all over again that I don't know how I would have possibly made it from point a to point f without the influence, interference, love, guidance, support, and blessings that the people around me have brought to my life.
Thanks, even when there are tears and it seems a little harder to breathe, for big and small things, always always always.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Fear
I'm afraid of very many things.
Spiders, thunderstorms, broken hearts, reading my own writing out loud, scary movies. Like a little girl, I scream; I cry. I shake and shiver in my shoes as the prickles move up and down my arms, my palms start to sweat.
When I know I have to read my writing out loud in front of people, I almost always throw up. And I'm stuck in the dread of waiting waiting waiting waiting and then trying to steady my breath, my voice into a normal sound to read the words that are writtentypedscrawled across the page and then deal with the shaking after I've finished.
(Why are you afraid?)
I fear. I fear many things. I fear much of the time. But why? What is it that makes me paralyzed, stricken, stuck to my spot? What creates the stasis, keeps me from chasing down my dreams with every single breath left in my body?
Is it a fear of failing? We learn best from mistakes, so why shouldn't I want to strengthen myself in trying.
Is it a fear of flying? There's not always shame in running away, in cutting your losses and calling it quits.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm afraid. But at every turn, I feel the panicky awful thoughts creeping into my head that I'm running out of time for this and that and that the chances are passing me by to go here and see that and kiss that stranger. Sometimes, I'm even afraid to be happy. It's like I didn't do anything to deserve the moments and blessings and bounty of incredible people I'm surrounded by. I'm afraid to take a chance on this or that because I'm afraid of feeling the way having my whole life turned topsy turvy felt like again.
I'm fearful of fear itself. Fear is dangerous. It holds you back and all I want to do is run run run and fly and go everywhere and do everything and meet everyone. A year and a half ago, I didn't want anything. And then everything changed and now I'm this girl that wants everything. I want the world and I want to be incredible. How can you be incredible when you are afraid?
And mostly though, I'm afraid I'll never figure out happily ever after. Perhaps I'll buy the last dogeared marginaliad copy of Crime and Punishment at the wrong bookstore instead of the one where I was supposed to bump casually into the man of my dreams. Maybe I'll never see the world. Maybe I won't finish my collection of essays or ever have it published. Maybe I'll be stuck in a dead end job, maybe I'll never know exactly how it is that I'm supposed to do great things. And I think that's terrifying. I'm terrified of losing sight of my dreams, my big, lofty dreams and my tiny pleasures and goals and lists. I'm terrified that I won't be able to make it around the world and write about everything that crosses my path. I'm terrified I'll get my heart crushed into a million pieces again. I'm afraid I'll never be comfortable in my body; that I'll never feel as beautiful as you made me feel a really long time ago. I'm afraid I will never figure out how to let all of it go. I'm afraid I won't be able to tell this person how I'm feeling. I'm afraid of being vulnerable, of letting people too far into my deepest and darkest corners of my heart. I'm afraid of where honesty gets you and I'm afraid I've been pretending I'm ok for so long that I'm not going to actually know when I finally am.
I know you can't let fear rule you. And so I try. I make myself move, I dare myself. I smile, listen to too much Katy Perry, consult mantras and happy people and try to just fight back against being scared.
Unless there's a thunderstorm and then I'm under covers, hiding.
Until I figure out how to be fearless, like I'd like to be.
Spiders, thunderstorms, broken hearts, reading my own writing out loud, scary movies. Like a little girl, I scream; I cry. I shake and shiver in my shoes as the prickles move up and down my arms, my palms start to sweat.
When I know I have to read my writing out loud in front of people, I almost always throw up. And I'm stuck in the dread of waiting waiting waiting waiting and then trying to steady my breath, my voice into a normal sound to read the words that are writtentypedscrawled across the page and then deal with the shaking after I've finished.
(Why are you afraid?)
I fear. I fear many things. I fear much of the time. But why? What is it that makes me paralyzed, stricken, stuck to my spot? What creates the stasis, keeps me from chasing down my dreams with every single breath left in my body?
Is it a fear of failing? We learn best from mistakes, so why shouldn't I want to strengthen myself in trying.
Is it a fear of flying? There's not always shame in running away, in cutting your losses and calling it quits.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm afraid. But at every turn, I feel the panicky awful thoughts creeping into my head that I'm running out of time for this and that and that the chances are passing me by to go here and see that and kiss that stranger. Sometimes, I'm even afraid to be happy. It's like I didn't do anything to deserve the moments and blessings and bounty of incredible people I'm surrounded by. I'm afraid to take a chance on this or that because I'm afraid of feeling the way having my whole life turned topsy turvy felt like again.
I'm fearful of fear itself. Fear is dangerous. It holds you back and all I want to do is run run run and fly and go everywhere and do everything and meet everyone. A year and a half ago, I didn't want anything. And then everything changed and now I'm this girl that wants everything. I want the world and I want to be incredible. How can you be incredible when you are afraid?
And mostly though, I'm afraid I'll never figure out happily ever after. Perhaps I'll buy the last dogeared marginaliad copy of Crime and Punishment at the wrong bookstore instead of the one where I was supposed to bump casually into the man of my dreams. Maybe I'll never see the world. Maybe I won't finish my collection of essays or ever have it published. Maybe I'll be stuck in a dead end job, maybe I'll never know exactly how it is that I'm supposed to do great things. And I think that's terrifying. I'm terrified of losing sight of my dreams, my big, lofty dreams and my tiny pleasures and goals and lists. I'm terrified that I won't be able to make it around the world and write about everything that crosses my path. I'm terrified I'll get my heart crushed into a million pieces again. I'm afraid I'll never be comfortable in my body; that I'll never feel as beautiful as you made me feel a really long time ago. I'm afraid I will never figure out how to let all of it go. I'm afraid I won't be able to tell this person how I'm feeling. I'm afraid of being vulnerable, of letting people too far into my deepest and darkest corners of my heart. I'm afraid of where honesty gets you and I'm afraid I've been pretending I'm ok for so long that I'm not going to actually know when I finally am.
I know you can't let fear rule you. And so I try. I make myself move, I dare myself. I smile, listen to too much Katy Perry, consult mantras and happy people and try to just fight back against being scared.
Unless there's a thunderstorm and then I'm under covers, hiding.
Until I figure out how to be fearless, like I'd like to be.
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