I know. I know. I say it every year.
But I can't help it.
I am just head over heels madly in love with Autumn. Scarves, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, Taylor's turkey chili, leaves spiraling to the sidewalk for crunching underfoot. There is something about the touch of chill in the air that leaves me weak in knees, desperate for more and more Fall variety adventure.
My new apartment has an adorable courtyard garden. There are benches with trees bending over to shade them, dropping their leaves as they start to change and turn fiery in the Fall sun. It's the perfect spot for a book or sharing M&Ms or finding the aforementioned crunchy leaves.
Just when I think Chicago couldn't possibly wrap my heart up any more, I get distracted by a nook like this and realize exactly why I fell in love with this place to begin with and why I'm still here 5 Falls later.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
A Note on Running
I started running so that I could spend more time with my best friend that I was hopelessly in love with in middle school. He pushed me to run faster, harder and never seemed all that ashamed to be palling around with the slowest person on the track team (Listen, who really thought middle distance racing was going to be good for my stubby little legs?).
The 800 m of track turned into cross country and soon there were days when I was running upwards of 9 miles in a day. I even kept running when he moved away, my fifteen year old legs carrying me as far and fast as they could from the heartbreak that was inevitable to accompany the void he'd left behind. My teammates were all taller and tinier and much much faster than I was, but at the end of the night, they still patted me on the back and we stretched together. For once, it didn't matter if I was prone to catching balls with my face or if I got too distracted by grapevines, showtunes and daisy chains to be a good outfielder. There was no catty competition for who would have and keep what solo, no need to smile when your feet felt like they were falling off. And, yet, I would never say I was serious about running. But somehow, lately, with my compression tights and running skorts and lengthy lakefront runs, I think I'm there.
When I ran a 5K on a whim with my new friend, Laura, in April, I hadn't run in ages. My last race had been shortly after moving to the city, followed by a few failed attempts at training for something or another. My legs are as stubby as ever and I'm still just as asthmatic. And now, due to my PCOS, I'm battling insulin resistance. But the 5K was fine. I certainly didn't die. A 5K led to more and then a 10K and yesterday, I ran an 8 mile training run to prepare for the half marathon I'm running next month.
I listen to a lot of music to keep myself peppy during a run. I distract myself from my aching muscles by running close enough to Lake Michigan to see the waves and the endless expanse of shiny, blue water. It's peaceful; I'm peaceful when I'm running. And I'm happy to be feeling the rhythm of my feet striking pavement, the murmur of breathing in and out, the whistle of the breeze ruffling my swishing ponytail. The familiar movements and sounds always take me back to afternoons, running in Rotary Park with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. People that I would love to track down and thank for encouraging me then and for allowing their memories to encourage me now. People who pushed me (sometimes literally) to finish one last mile repeat and sprint to the finish line.
As I rounded into mile 6 yesterday, I was reminded of my third track practice. It was so cold that I came home with icicles in my hair, my shoes soaked through to my socks with icy water. There was nothing to do but laugh about it and warm up and move on. Such is the nature of running. It's best when it's hardest, when the challenge is finally surmounted in victory (For me, always personal; I've never come close to winning a race.) I think that very cold, very wet 14-year old would be amazed at where I am now: In a city, in love, working, passionate and running further than seemed possible when I started so long ago; cheers to getting from there to here.
Right now, my victory will be on October 21, when I run the longest race I've ever run, a long time coming. But every step is a battle, fighting against this PCOS and the insulin resistance that is keeping my size 8 dreams at arm's length. A battle against feeling bad about my body, a battle to remind myself that making myself strong and healthy and peaceful is infinitely more important than the perfect little black dress that only goes up to a Size 12. And that's a really huge battle that I'm trying really hard to win, with every footfall, with every Kanye West song, with every little victorious booty shake at the end of 6,7,8,9 miles. Because any body that can get you that far, sliding rhythmically step by step along the path and still remember to sprint up hills, make the most of downhills and always finish strong (Thanks, even to you, Coach Holladay, of whom I was so terrified, I'm not sure I ever spoke to directly.) deserves all the love in the world.
The 800 m of track turned into cross country and soon there were days when I was running upwards of 9 miles in a day. I even kept running when he moved away, my fifteen year old legs carrying me as far and fast as they could from the heartbreak that was inevitable to accompany the void he'd left behind. My teammates were all taller and tinier and much much faster than I was, but at the end of the night, they still patted me on the back and we stretched together. For once, it didn't matter if I was prone to catching balls with my face or if I got too distracted by grapevines, showtunes and daisy chains to be a good outfielder. There was no catty competition for who would have and keep what solo, no need to smile when your feet felt like they were falling off. And, yet, I would never say I was serious about running. But somehow, lately, with my compression tights and running skorts and lengthy lakefront runs, I think I'm there.
When I ran a 5K on a whim with my new friend, Laura, in April, I hadn't run in ages. My last race had been shortly after moving to the city, followed by a few failed attempts at training for something or another. My legs are as stubby as ever and I'm still just as asthmatic. And now, due to my PCOS, I'm battling insulin resistance. But the 5K was fine. I certainly didn't die. A 5K led to more and then a 10K and yesterday, I ran an 8 mile training run to prepare for the half marathon I'm running next month.
I listen to a lot of music to keep myself peppy during a run. I distract myself from my aching muscles by running close enough to Lake Michigan to see the waves and the endless expanse of shiny, blue water. It's peaceful; I'm peaceful when I'm running. And I'm happy to be feeling the rhythm of my feet striking pavement, the murmur of breathing in and out, the whistle of the breeze ruffling my swishing ponytail. The familiar movements and sounds always take me back to afternoons, running in Rotary Park with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. People that I would love to track down and thank for encouraging me then and for allowing their memories to encourage me now. People who pushed me (sometimes literally) to finish one last mile repeat and sprint to the finish line.
As I rounded into mile 6 yesterday, I was reminded of my third track practice. It was so cold that I came home with icicles in my hair, my shoes soaked through to my socks with icy water. There was nothing to do but laugh about it and warm up and move on. Such is the nature of running. It's best when it's hardest, when the challenge is finally surmounted in victory (For me, always personal; I've never come close to winning a race.) I think that very cold, very wet 14-year old would be amazed at where I am now: In a city, in love, working, passionate and running further than seemed possible when I started so long ago; cheers to getting from there to here.
Right now, my victory will be on October 21, when I run the longest race I've ever run, a long time coming. But every step is a battle, fighting against this PCOS and the insulin resistance that is keeping my size 8 dreams at arm's length. A battle against feeling bad about my body, a battle to remind myself that making myself strong and healthy and peaceful is infinitely more important than the perfect little black dress that only goes up to a Size 12. And that's a really huge battle that I'm trying really hard to win, with every footfall, with every Kanye West song, with every little victorious booty shake at the end of 6,7,8,9 miles. Because any body that can get you that far, sliding rhythmically step by step along the path and still remember to sprint up hills, make the most of downhills and always finish strong (Thanks, even to you, Coach Holladay, of whom I was so terrified, I'm not sure I ever spoke to directly.) deserves all the love in the world.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
A Note from the Windy City on the Eve of 2012
Last year, on New Year’s Eve, I laid on a bed, snuggled in sheets I could never afford, in a room I will never be able to afford, tipsy on free champagne I could never afford, collapsed with laughter with my partner in crime, Valerie. High on sparkling possibility, hair windswept from the river and red lipstick worn onto the rocks glasses of Vodka Tonic on the bedside table, we swore to things we would accomplish, promises we would not break for 2011.
We checked out late from our fairytale New Year’s Eve at the Trump Tower, returned promptly to real life in frozen Chicago, starting the new year on the highest of all possible notes – brunch from orange. We earned it after the amount of Ciroc consumed the night prior. We spent the evening sitting on MollieBrandonDavid’s floor, playing never have I ever. Not glamorous, but easily one of my favorite moments of the year. Still, it’s too bad every day can’t be chauffeured by a Bentley, accompanied by 8 course dinners and skyline views.
I’d like to say I accomplished everything on the list; that I lost 40 pounds, that I maintained thanking someone every day in my blog, that I figured out how to not procrastinate in my last quarters of grad school, that 2011 was a breeze. It was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. On a New Year's Eve that will honestly probably never be matched for the rest of my life, Val and I swore to a rule of 4. I won’t tell you what those were; they are super secret and only known by the Donald himself.
What I will tell you is that I accomplished infinitely more than the wide-eyed girl with the red lipstick could possibly have imagined.
I finished grad school, I acquired a big girl job, I survived the worst not quite big girl job on record. I fell in love, I ran, I danced, I sipped too much gin. I fell in love with someone who tolerates the fleecy polka dotted pajamas and thinks it’s adorable when I laugh without my mouth moving. I traveled, I figured out being by myself, I moved on.
Things have settled into a glorious calm. I drink more seltzer than gin and tonic. I make asparagus and salmon and enjoy coffee breaks in my office. I realized how fortunate it is to be able to see your best friend from elementary school do stand up, following her dreams or to sleep on the person’s futon whose known you forever or to sleep on a friendly floor after spending hours wandering and exploring and finding new magic in someone else’s city. I realized it’s ok to be homesick, to cry to your mom on the phone, to flee instead of fight every single battle. I realized how thankful I am that Taylor Swift convinced me to keep believing in fairy-tale-breathless-romance. That I figured out how to keep the stars in my eyes.
Maybe I still don’t know what I want to do in ten years, maybe I don’t know how I’m ever going to manage to save enough money to go to Paris, maybe I don’t know when I want to get married or how many children I want to have or in what increments or if I want to get my PhD.
But I do know, after fighting battles and problems and pickpockets and broken hearts, who I am today, what I want for breakfast tomorrow. I know that it’s impossible to show the amount of gratitude I feel for where my path has brought me, but that a thank you note is always the best way to start. I know that anything is easier when you have someone there to hold your hand. I know that I’m never going to stop trying to go everywhere, trying to do everything, and why would I want to? I swear that sometimes when I wake up for my 7 AM meeting, while I’m drinking my intentionally tepid coffee and sunlight is spilling into my dining nook office and I can hear the softly muffled snores of my roommates, I know I’m ready to take over the world, one comma, one casserole, one more lap on the treadmill at a time.
Adieu with many thanks, 2011. 2012, I’m coming for you.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wish List
It's Falltime.
Which means that birthday time is approaching. And therefore my mom requested my birthday list.
So, here goes.
1.) A Kindle
2.) Orange Coffee Beans from Orange
3.) The Tiffany Twist Bow Ring
4.) The matching bangle
5.) Wine glasses and champagne flutes
6.) A new bowl for my KitchenAid mixer
7.) Decent Headphones
8.) An African Safari
9.) Peach Cobbler Cupcake from Molly's Cupcakes
10.) Books you think I'll like to read.
11.) ITunes Giftcards to buy music for running.
12.) Cooking Classes
13.) A new Canon Point and Shoot
14.) Dinner and drinks at Maude's
15.) An Adventure, doing something I've never done before
16.) Aerosoles Joyride Boots, Black Combo, Size 8
17.) Urban Decay Eyeshadow
18.) Stila Lipstain
19.) Coffee and Conversation Catch Up
20.) Decent headphones
21.) A trip to turn 25 somewhere that isn't where I spend every day
22.) Monogrammed notecards with matching envelopes for corresponding
23.) Pizza from Art of Pizza
24.) Entry into the Hot Chocolate 5K
25.) Kate Spade Burnside Avenue Metallic Evangeline
26.) Kate Spade Swim Team Statement Earrings
27.) Kate Spade Supercalifragilipstick -- Adventurous or Fuschia Fete
28.) Burberry Brit Perfume
29.) Tarte True Blood Cheek Stain
30.) Nars Orgasm Blush
31.) Macy's Giftcard
32.) Shoes, size 7 1/2 or 8
33.) Scarves, Fashion or Winter Wear
34.) Lululemon Giftcard
35.) New Athletic Type Apparel
36.) Manicures and Pedicures are always welcome
37.) Star Wars Pancake molds
38.) Super Hero Cookie Pressers from Williams Sonoma
39.) A cake decorating class
40.) Kitchen Gadgets
41.) Snow Skiing
42.) Tickets to a Broadway Show
43.) Beach Time
44.) Colts Victoria's Secret Pink Apparel
45.) New Sheets and Pillows
46.) Manpower to hang my pictures
47.) New Nail Polish
48.) Colts Tickets
49.) Brunch at Orange
I think that's a pretty good start...
Which means that birthday time is approaching. And therefore my mom requested my birthday list.
So, here goes.
1.) A Kindle
2.) Orange Coffee Beans from Orange
3.) The Tiffany Twist Bow Ring
4.) The matching bangle
5.) Wine glasses and champagne flutes
6.) A new bowl for my KitchenAid mixer
7.) Decent Headphones
8.) An African Safari
9.) Peach Cobbler Cupcake from Molly's Cupcakes
10.) Books you think I'll like to read.
11.) ITunes Giftcards to buy music for running.
12.) Cooking Classes
13.) A new Canon Point and Shoot
14.) Dinner and drinks at Maude's
15.) An Adventure, doing something I've never done before
16.) Aerosoles Joyride Boots, Black Combo, Size 8
17.) Urban Decay Eyeshadow
18.) Stila Lipstain
19.) Coffee and Conversation Catch Up
20.) Decent headphones
21.) A trip to turn 25 somewhere that isn't where I spend every day
22.) Monogrammed notecards with matching envelopes for corresponding
23.) Pizza from Art of Pizza
24.) Entry into the Hot Chocolate 5K
25.) Kate Spade Burnside Avenue Metallic Evangeline
26.) Kate Spade Swim Team Statement Earrings
27.) Kate Spade Supercalifragilipstick -- Adventurous or Fuschia Fete
28.) Burberry Brit Perfume
29.) Tarte True Blood Cheek Stain
30.) Nars Orgasm Blush
31.) Macy's Giftcard
32.) Shoes, size 7 1/2 or 8
33.) Scarves, Fashion or Winter Wear
34.) Lululemon Giftcard
35.) New Athletic Type Apparel
36.) Manicures and Pedicures are always welcome
37.) Star Wars Pancake molds
38.) Super Hero Cookie Pressers from Williams Sonoma
39.) A cake decorating class
40.) Kitchen Gadgets
41.) Snow Skiing
42.) Tickets to a Broadway Show
43.) Beach Time
44.) Colts Victoria's Secret Pink Apparel
45.) New Sheets and Pillows
46.) Manpower to hang my pictures
47.) New Nail Polish
48.) Colts Tickets
49.) Brunch at Orange
I think that's a pretty good start...
Monday, August 29, 2011
Making Magic
I have been hardcore nerding out at an increasingly rapid pace to a serious of books called The Dresden Files. Think Harry Potter meets Nancy Drew, tangoes with a trashy romance novel and then like gets mentored by Indiana Jones.
It really couldn't be more awesome.
Most importantly, though, there's magic.
If you know anything about me, then you know how I feel about magic. I begged for pixie dust when I went to Disney World, wished in wishing wells, read Harry Potter as though I could find magic through osmosis, wrote fanfiction with fervor to trigger magic from somewhere within. Because magic is awesome. Duh. And I'm always in constant wonderment of pondering its possibilities, ficitious or otherwise.
And magic isn't all glitter and spells and charms by the book. It's really silly, but reading about magic never ceases to make me notice little things that I find really magical. For example:
1.) A two year old's ability to applaud the 37th time through of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as though it were the opening notes of Carmen.
2.) The way cake batter forms itself into the perfect, tiny cupcake when baked at the correct temperature for the correct time.
3.) The way two tiny moving men can get a couch through a hallway barely big enough for people.
4.) The stillness of a Sunday morning, early, even on busy city streets.
5.) The grandness of Seurat's A Sunday on La Grande Jatte in Gallery 201
6.) The happyexcited feeling when you finally see someone you've been looking forward to seeing.
7.) The promise of always being able to go home.
8.) The breezy moment in the moonlight when you finally say out loud that you are falling in love.
9.) The coin behind the ear trick. I honestly still don't get sleight of hand. It really amazes me.
10.) Sunsets and sunrises. Pinks and purples and oranges and blues and the way the light shimmers on the lake and the beach and reaches up and over to start and end the day.
Anyway, enough with the sappy stuff. I leave you with this.
Faith, trust, pixie dust. Stars and stones. Hell's Bells. Magic is everywhere.
It really couldn't be more awesome.
Most importantly, though, there's magic.
If you know anything about me, then you know how I feel about magic. I begged for pixie dust when I went to Disney World, wished in wishing wells, read Harry Potter as though I could find magic through osmosis, wrote fanfiction with fervor to trigger magic from somewhere within. Because magic is awesome. Duh. And I'm always in constant wonderment of pondering its possibilities, ficitious or otherwise.
And magic isn't all glitter and spells and charms by the book. It's really silly, but reading about magic never ceases to make me notice little things that I find really magical. For example:
1.) A two year old's ability to applaud the 37th time through of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as though it were the opening notes of Carmen.
2.) The way cake batter forms itself into the perfect, tiny cupcake when baked at the correct temperature for the correct time.
3.) The way two tiny moving men can get a couch through a hallway barely big enough for people.
4.) The stillness of a Sunday morning, early, even on busy city streets.
5.) The grandness of Seurat's A Sunday on La Grande Jatte in Gallery 201
6.) The happyexcited feeling when you finally see someone you've been looking forward to seeing.
7.) The promise of always being able to go home.
8.) The breezy moment in the moonlight when you finally say out loud that you are falling in love.
9.) The coin behind the ear trick. I honestly still don't get sleight of hand. It really amazes me.
10.) Sunsets and sunrises. Pinks and purples and oranges and blues and the way the light shimmers on the lake and the beach and reaches up and over to start and end the day.
Anyway, enough with the sappy stuff. I leave you with this.
Faith, trust, pixie dust. Stars and stones. Hell's Bells. Magic is everywhere.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Summer Accomplishments I'm Genuinely Proud Of
1.) I survived grad school. Yeah, I know the MA from DePaul is nice on a resume, but it's just so much more than that. How many times did I try to pack up my toys and go home, turn tail and not finish? How much of a struggle was dragging myself to class when I was some awful, broken shell of a girl? Well, I persevered. And now it's over. And I still managed an A average. Take that, Grad School.
2.) I simplified my life in the form of cutting 7 garbage bags of old, ill-fitted, broken, useless things out. When your room/closet are the size of mine, 7 garbage bags makes a world of difference.
3.) I looked in the corner of the cabinets where I thought there might be something dead just for the sake of clearing out a foul smell in the kitchen. Ew. I'm still freaked out some tiny animal carcass is going to turn up somewhere.
4.) I have learned how to let people help me. Whether it's dinner from the boyfriend, letting someone else pick up those hours, or letting my Dad help me in my job search, I have finally found the balance between being independent and taking on way too much for any one fairly small individual. It's nice to have back up.
5.) I have embraced my nerdiness. Upcoming Star Wars bar crawl, new nerdy book series, playing Mario Kart with the lesbros. Let's face it; ant semblance of cool was always just a facade anyway.
6.) After about a million horrible relationships making the same mistakes that I was making when I was 13, I have finally learned enough about myself to be a functional person in a couple and not just that guy's girlfriend. Grown up relationships are so much better for this, so much less draining, so much more conducive to becoming a better person <3
7.) I successfully traveled across the country and made it home in one piece.
8.) I climbed a mountain (Ok, it was hiking. And it was a small mountain. But it was still awesome)!!! And tap danced on top of it. With Vanessa. The fact that my best friend from when I was 10 is still in my life to scale mountains and then be willing to tap dance at the top of them never ceases to amaze me. Kind of like Vanessa and her passion and beauty, inside and out never cease to amaze me.
9.) Cooking. My cooking has really vastly improved this summer :)
10.) Balance. My life feels like there is so much more balance than there has been in ages. I blame that guy who keeps ruining my melancholy tendencies by making my heart all flippyfloppyfluttery.
2.) I simplified my life in the form of cutting 7 garbage bags of old, ill-fitted, broken, useless things out. When your room/closet are the size of mine, 7 garbage bags makes a world of difference.
3.) I looked in the corner of the cabinets where I thought there might be something dead just for the sake of clearing out a foul smell in the kitchen. Ew. I'm still freaked out some tiny animal carcass is going to turn up somewhere.
4.) I have learned how to let people help me. Whether it's dinner from the boyfriend, letting someone else pick up those hours, or letting my Dad help me in my job search, I have finally found the balance between being independent and taking on way too much for any one fairly small individual. It's nice to have back up.
5.) I have embraced my nerdiness. Upcoming Star Wars bar crawl, new nerdy book series, playing Mario Kart with the lesbros. Let's face it; ant semblance of cool was always just a facade anyway.
6.) After about a million horrible relationships making the same mistakes that I was making when I was 13, I have finally learned enough about myself to be a functional person in a couple and not just that guy's girlfriend. Grown up relationships are so much better for this, so much less draining, so much more conducive to becoming a better person <3
7.) I successfully traveled across the country and made it home in one piece.
8.) I climbed a mountain (Ok, it was hiking. And it was a small mountain. But it was still awesome)!!! And tap danced on top of it. With Vanessa. The fact that my best friend from when I was 10 is still in my life to scale mountains and then be willing to tap dance at the top of them never ceases to amaze me. Kind of like Vanessa and her passion and beauty, inside and out never cease to amaze me.
9.) Cooking. My cooking has really vastly improved this summer :)
10.) Balance. My life feels like there is so much more balance than there has been in ages. I blame that guy who keeps ruining my melancholy tendencies by making my heart all flippyfloppyfluttery.
The Missing Piece
It seems that I might actually be on to something here. Some kind of lucky break, some kind of winning streak.
(Trust me. I'll take whatever I can get)
And I find that suddenly, very very very suddenly, like a little-kid-dying-to-know-where-mom-hid-the-Christmas-presents, I'm remarkably curious about what it is that's around this next corner...
It's like I have maybe finally acquired almost everything to make life fall into place, found the last few things on the grocery list to check off or something. Whatever little change in the wind it was; I'm so happynervousexcitedawed.
So much gratefulness in this little heart of mine for so so so many things.
(Trust me. I'll take whatever I can get)
And I find that suddenly, very very very suddenly, like a little-kid-dying-to-know-where-mom-hid-the-Christmas-presents, I'm remarkably curious about what it is that's around this next corner...
It's like I have maybe finally acquired almost everything to make life fall into place, found the last few things on the grocery list to check off or something. Whatever little change in the wind it was; I'm so happynervousexcitedawed.
So much gratefulness in this little heart of mine for so so so many things.
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