Thanks Kira

Dear Kira,

Thanks for being ever so very cooperative on our marathon walk to Montrose Beach and the subsequent time we spent there. You were all fun fun fun and there was not a meltdown had. Which was glorious. Thank you also for your overwhelming concern about life's great questions, like how will the sun and moon be friends if they are never out together and who can marry who and what Bwandon's dad's name was. You are just such a great little munchkin and I'm glad that your Aunt Mollie and Mom let me play with you alllllll the time!!!

Love,

me

Thanks Steak and Shake

Dear Steak and Shake,

Thank you for always providing a place to escape in the middle of the night to wolf down comfort food, catch up, and run into people you usually don't care to see. Thanks for reinvigorating Mollie's and my delirium last night and supporting our adventurous spirits :)

Love,
me

Special

When we are little, people tell us all the time that we are special and different and that we can do anything and be anything. And as we grow up, these things are instilled in us repeatedly, with love and lessons and learning. And we are special. And we try. And we move forward, reaching toward our sometimes limitless dreams. We graduate high school and go to college and decide what we want to be when we grow up and graduate college. And then your real life can finally begin.

But there are bills and parking tickets and no jobs to be found anywhere close to your major. Forget health insurance and vegetables and gym memberships.

And sometimes along the way, after a few misguided mishaps, after sending out a billion resumes to no avail and interviewing for hundreds of people that never call, it all gets a little overwhelming.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic (and I'm not trying to be for once), I'm going to say it: I don't remember why I'm special anymore.

Dear 77th job I've applied to this month, I'm not actually sure why you should hire me. Love, Ashley

How am I different from the other 300 or so dime a dozen English majors that want to write for your magazine? How am I different from that other brunette with the cute shoes at the end of the bar in whatever bar I've ducked into while traipsing aroud Wrigleyville? What is it about me that makes me sparkle? And I find that I'm in this weird place where I just can't remember anymore.

And it's not that I'm depressed. I'm rather enjoying my life, my friends, my new apartment. I have great shoes, great dresses, great books. A fiery passion I rediscovered for certain kinds of literature after a happenstance discussion that probably mattered little to the other half of it. But there is statis. I'm miserable at Sweet and Sassy right now. If another person screams at me because I can't book their birthday party for tomorrow or corners me because their child has lice, I'm going to explode. I want to write. I want to plan. I want a challenge.

If I could find a challenge to overcome, perhaps it would ignite some spark. Some inkling of something special, some key to the hundred or so dreams I have floating around in my head and which ones I should actually be focusing on.

Because I know, even if I can't remember why or put my finger on what it is that's different yet, I am special and I'm going to be great. At something. (Other than changing diapers and giving glitter stars). Yes. Yes I am.

Things You Can't Be Unhappy While Doing

1.) Drinking through a bendy straw
2.) Baking Cupcakes
3.) Mixing Cookie Batter
4.) Sipping Ginger Ale (Especially in conjunction with #1).
5.) Listening to the song "Omigod You Guys"
6.) Dancing
7.) Wearing Galoshes
8.) Shoe Shopping
9.) Snuggling a sleepy infant
10.) Singing loudly in the shower
11.) Eating goldfish while having a heart to heart with a kindergartener
12.) Sharing an umbrella
13.) Having the required post-mortem on ridiculous evenings
14.) Twirling
15.) Walking into a theatre (Even if the show is a downer, the thrill of walking in and getting situated and anticipating is really lovely)
16.) Sipping champagne. Especially when it's pink.
17.) Strolling down Michigan Ave during any quintessentially seasonal day (a sunny day in summer, a slightly chilly, golden day in fall, a snowy day in the winter, a rainy day in spring)
18.) Reading love poems
19.) Being a part of a group hug
20.) Eating ice cream
21.) Eating popcicles
22.) Reading your favorite book for the 107th time
23.) Greeting someone you are excited to see when he or she arrives somewhere
24.) Erasing dry erase marker
25.) Watching fireworks

Thanks Iris

Dear Iris,

Thanks for lunches and dinners and thank yous and all of the loving that only a mom can give you. Hanging out with you this week made me miss Jason a teeny tiny bit less and we hit up allll of my favorite places in the city. I'm really sorry that I almost made you miss your flight by driving us to the wrong side of the city, but I'm glad that by some miracle of god, we made it to the correct airport in the nick of time! Your love has made your children some of the lovliest people I've ever known and for them, I will be eternally grateful :)

Until next time,
me

Thanks Tessa

Dear Tessa,

Thanks for, in spite of the 97 meltdowns Kira was having on Monday, for remaining sunny and happy and always ready to try anything. You are really a joy to snuggle with and I enjoy our heart to hearts (even if you do respond to everything I say with "Cat."). I also really like that you applaud me whenever I come to take you out of your crib post-nap. I'm excited to wear my tutu and give you your tutu on Saturday for your birthday party :)

Love,
me

Sunrise

It is early.

So, I saw the sun rising over Lake Michigan this morning. A breeze ruffled my extraordinarily disheveled hair through my car window, a perfect chill to complement the pinks and purples across the sky and the gold flitting across the slight waves on the water.

Gorgeous.

Now, back to bed.

Thanks Brandon

Dear Brandon,

Thanks for always having my back and preventing me from doing really stupid stuff all the time. Like seriously, you save my life time after time after lousy decision making time. And keep booze flowing freely. For real though, you're a win in the friend category and I'm glad I get to share drunken stumbles and aforementioned poor decisions with you. (Sidenote: I really dig your girlfriend too.)

Love,
me

Hmm..

I promise I like you when I'm sober too.

Thanks Cory

Dear Cory,

Your email about the sheep made me weep. Profusely. It was so beautiful; the story, your words, your wishes for me. It made me miss you so much that for a second I could not catch my breath. It was not a pretty cry. My macara ran, my nose ran, the tears soaked my pajamas. But then I did just what you said. I wrapped myself in my warmest blanket and I remembered good times, like the talk we had when I was weeping on the floor on taco night when Ness and I fought and when we held hands on the way to see An Education, and when we shared Jeff's umbrella passing out fliers in the rain. And it worked. I wasn't so sad anymore. I swear I could feel your love allllll the way around the world. Maybe it was the sheep, maybe it's just you.

I love you and miss you immensely.

Hugs and kisses forever,
me

Thanks Shannon

Dear Shannon,

Thanks for the hours of amusement and amazement brought by all of the complimentary tickets you manage to snag to the best shows in the city. Thanks also for that heart to heart in the kitchen (when we looked like we were going to make out) about the thing (that was most assuredly not the thing that everyone thought we were having a heart to heart about). Thanks for the analysis of the flippy floppy feeling I've been feeling and reminding that it's ok to feel flippy floppy sometimes. About some things. Like that thing. That we talked about.

Love,

me

Things I Really Enjoy Talking About

In my 23 3/4 years of living, I have spent a lot of time being criticized for being shy. I am shy. Very very shy. And a little withdrawn. And socially awkward in what is sometimes an adorably endearing way. But, I guarantee that when you hit any of the following topics, my shell will immediately fall away and I will not draw breath (until London. That was for you if you are reading this, mom)...

1.) Poetry. (Especially Cummings, Eliot, Baudelaire, Frost, and Collins. I have a lot of feelings about these poets. Especially after the Franzia kicks in...)

2.) Musicals. I am in love with musicals. It is a serious and torrid affair, and if you know anything at all about musicals, I will listen and try to absorb all of your knowledge like a sponge. (And probably get a little starry-eyed as well.)

3.) Fall. I'm obsessed with the leaves changing colors and the way the air on fall mornings adopts that vague chill, a crisp breeze that ruffles the dry leaves on the street or stirs around the puddles. It always always always reminds me of walking down the street to the busstop in Beavercreek, OH, blowing my mom a kiss from the corner. I love fall colors, fall fashion, with its boots, sweaters, and light scarves. Then there's apple cider...You get the point. (My birthday is also a key factor in this love.)

4.) Love. I love love. I love romantic love and platonic love and love for your neighbor and love for your dog and love for the chocolate bar you venture to 7-11 in the middle of the night to acquire. Love makes the world go round and if you have a story about love, looking for love, finding love, losing love, I will be rapt. And yes, in case you were wondering, I do truly believe that All You Need Is Love.

5.) Educational Psychology. I have most of a teaching degree and I really enjoyed my psychology classes. Ask me about the way a kid's brain develops and I'll be able to tell you much about the way our educational system excels and hiccups. (I'm also a great lesson planner.)

6.) Books. Duh. I read anything that is stationary, so I feel like this is a given. I'll fall in love over and over again over a good cup of coffee and an intelligent conversation about the book I just read.

7.) Places I Want to Visit. I am constantly battling my wanderlust and consequently have about a million trips planned out in my head that maybe I'll take someday. I'll talk your ears off about any of them. Or all of them.

8.) The things my faraway friends are doing. I am a proud mama hen about my friends who have scattered throughout the world and I'm a threat to brag about them and how great they are to anyone trying to get to know me. It's just because they make me so proud in their bravery and pursuit of their dreams.

9.) Fashion. What are you wearing? What am I wearing? Do those shoes really complement that hem length? Eyes or lips? The green dress with the straps or the black one with the bow? If you've seen my filled-to-the-point-of-bursting closet, you know.

10.) Chicago History. I read a lot of books to prepare to move to this city so I'm fulllll of useless information about where there used to be brothels and what survived the fire and when this and that appeared in the skyline...I am also useful as a tour guide or reference material when seeking something new and exciting to do.

Thankful

I try to thank people for the very specific random acts of kindness that they provide me in my life in my blog, but I can't help but notice the handful of people that I find I want to thank all the time (Who make me feel like I look in that picture). The people who call to check up on me and text me to say goodnight and tell me I'm pretty when I need to hear it and always play me songs they think I'll like to hear or give me books I'll like to read. And for that, I'm, well, thankful. I am the luckiest.

Thanks Deena

Dear Deena,

Thanks for understanding about the need to sit and be a little lazier than usual on Tuesday. It really did help with the feeling that my uterus was trying to pry its way out of my body with a machete and a dull razor blade. Now, if I could just procure some really good dark chocolate...

Love,
me

Thanks Colin

Dear Colin,

Thanks for being excited to see me yesterday, even though

a.) I'm not your nanny.

and

b.) I make you repeat things endlessly.

You are just such a great kid and I'm glad that Belle has friends like you to hang out with (Although it would be better if you both kept your clothes on while you play Doctor in the future...).

Love,
me

Wandering

I find that this morning my mind is wandering off somewhere unexpected...

And that the inner monologue is just as surprised as the outer.

Hmmm?

Edgy

I have been a little edgy lately.

I have seen people I don't care to see. I have been rejected rejected rejected for jobs, internships, etc. And I have been working non-stop with a hellacious sinus headache that just won't quit. (I know, I know. Like Jason never fails to remind me, whining will NOT make anything better.)

So...

Last night, I happened upon my apartment, empty. Free of roommates, free of friends, free of animals we are harboring temporarily.

This NEVER happens. (Which is fine by me. I'm just not into spending time alone a lot.)

I quickly gathered a few things, lit some candles, and drew a bubble bath (I had to use shower gel as bubbles, but the improvisation worked). I sang showtunes with my iPod at the top of my lungs, read a new vampire novel (Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs. Read it.) and giggled, and just focused on the more-serene-than-you-can-posssibly-imagine feeling of being enveloped in warm water. (I also played with the bubbles. Old habits die hard.) I closed my eyes and listened to notes wafting somewhere outside of my head; my mind cleared. The edginess dissipated.

I laid there for a good hour and a half; reading, singing, dozing, all wrapped up in my own bubbly semi-conscious world. And it was really, really lovely.

Thanks Tom Petty

Dear Tom Petty,

Thanks for being so right. The waiting IS the hardest part. Also, Mary Jane's Last Dance is definitely in my top ten songs I like to blast while driving alone. You rock!

Love,
Ashley

Rainy Days and Mondays

I have been incredibly melancholy for the past few days.

So, this morning, I am curled up on the couch with a HUGE fluffy blanket, sipping tea, and listening to the sound the raindrops are making as they clatter against my living room window. I get the grayness. I feel the damp, cold puddles. Yet, it's time to get up, to go on with the day, stop indulging the gray.

Perhaps today will bring something wonderful :)