Valentine's Day

Little pink hearts everywhere. Sparkles; cardboard boxes with the latest cartoon character professing how cool you think the recipient of the card he or she is gracing to be. Those really lame foil covered chocolate roses. All appearing in that weird middle aisle in the grocery store where they just cleared the Christmas Candy which had quickly replaced the Halloween Candy...

Yes. It's creeping up: Valentine's Day.

I just have so many thoughts about Valentine's Day. So, I'll do what I do best: I'll make a list. Or two. Or maybe even three. We'll see.

Reasons I'm Opposed to Valentine's Day

1.) Well, what desperately single twenty something girl who's ever had her heart dragged through the mud isn't?

2.) Romance is way too personal/individual/subjective to be relegated to some Hallmark holiday dreamed up in a cubicle somewhere to make girls with too many feelings pine away and pray for Cupid to bring them men. And chocolate.

3.) It's almost February and no suitable Valentines have materialized. Not to say that I'm dismissing the prospect of a meet cute or simply giving up or anything; I meet hundreds of new people a day at the museum. I'm just saying that it makes me prickly to think about being Valentine-less. (For clarification on suitable, please see: Traits a Suitable Valentine Candidate Must Be in Posession Of)

4.) No Valentine's Day will be as awesome as the one spent last year in Shannon Sullivan's living room. Snuggling with Jason, The First Wives' Club, Cupcakes, Champagne, Romantic dinner for 4, a legit turning point in my general mindset and well-being. Seriously, perfect.

Reasons I Secretly Love Valentine's Day

1.) Hello; have you met me? I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic. I love love. All love. All the time. Even forced romance is a little bit magical. Not quite as magical as dancing down an empty street in the moonlight or kissing in the rain while sharing an umbrella, but there's something in the way that people go out of their way to show the people that they love how much they love them on February 14 that is really really beautiful.

2.) Pink is my favorite color.

3.) I really love boxes of chocolate. And I love baking holiday goodies. Like heart shaped sugar cookies and brownies with red and white heart sprinkles. And Swirlz always has awesome Valentine's Day cupcakes.

4.) I have a history of really awesome Valentine's. Even the boyfriends who were the least considerate, the least thoughtful, the most hurtful were creative, wonderful in their Valentine's Day efforts. So I still have a little faith in this rigged romance for managing to bring out the best in every diamond in the rough.

5.) I'm a really great maker of Valentines :)

Traits a Suitable Valentine Candidate Must Be in Posession Of

1.) Willingness to take me out on a legitimate Valentine's Day date, including but not limited to dinner, a movie or play or suitable entertainment portion, and post activity drinks

2.) Willingness to pick up the tab

3.) Willingness to tell me I'm pretty without being prompted

4.) The ability to carry on a conversation intelligently; bonus points for referring to books/blogs/newspapers/magazines recently read

5.) A Romantic Spirit; enjoyment of little things like candlelight and lovely music. But in a manly way.

6.) Dedication to a sports team. Unless that team is the New England Patriots.

7.) Appreciation of the arts, including French Impressionism, poetry, and theatre

8.) Knowledge of the basic waltz pattern and willingness to dance in snow/rain/on empty city streets

9.) Muscles are always a plus.

10.) A real job. And a credit score of over 600.

11.) Appreciation of beer and/or good gin and/or whiskey.

12.) Willingness to laugh at bad jokes and at himself. Overall good sense of humor.

13.) Must be more or equally excited about Valentine's Day date as other involved party.

And so, I'll be thinking about love and Valentine's Day and seeking candidates for actual Valentine's until the day hits, the moment comes. Mostly, I'll be thinking of everything I learned and being ever so grateful for what last Valentine's Day turned out to be.

Kisses,
me

Thanks Mom

Dear Mom,

Thanks for listening as I plot my grocery and to-do lists on the phone on my days off, even though I'm sure there are way more exciting things you could be doing. I love you.

Kisses,
me

Thanks MollieBrandonDavidPouncer

Dear MollieBrandonDavidPouncer (aka the Residents of the 551),

Thanks for providing this restless warrior a home away from home, conveniently located within pajama distance (This is a plus in that it is quick to trek there, even when it is raining/sleeting/snowing/I-am-trying-to-make-a-quick-getaway-from-goings-on-at-home-at-work-at-large.) A place where I can come to cry, to laugh, to snuggle, to get my cute kitten, cable, baking, and nerd fixes all in one. Mostly, thanks collectively for being some of the very best friends any girl could ever hope to have. And tonight, thanks for sharing the Golden Globes and cooking shows.

Hugs and kisses,
me

Thanks Random Married Couple at The Yard on Saturday

Dear Random Married Couple at The Yard on Saturday,

I had my doubts about you when I first perched myself precariously on that barstool where my feet had no hope of touching the floor. Your inebriated voices were too much after my day in the Michigan Ave coatroom, in spite of a bubble bath, complete with candlelight and set to Mozart. But then you started feeding the little computerized jukebox on the wall with quarters and choosing songs by Journey, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban. My heart (and the bubbles floating in my Spaten) danced a little; God, I danced a little. And it totally rocked my Saturday night.

Love,
me

Thanks After Dark Attendees on the Street

Dear Girls Attending After Dark that Dalina and I ran into on the street,

Thanks for your vivacity, your sneakiness, your willingness to chitchat about where we were from, what we were doing. Especially, thanks for offerring to sneak us bottles of beer, which we politely turned down. In spite of the freezing wind and thousands of coats and scarves and drunken owners, it was nice to speak to someone kind and interested, rather than drunk and condescending. You guys were pretty cool.

Love,
me

Happiness

Happiness hit her like a train on a track...

I think maybe the Dog Days are Over.

Ok, maybe not over. But close to over. Coming to their finale, taking a bow. Maybe all of these months and days and seconds of being the most miserable human being that ever roamed the face of the planet are finally exploding into something beautiful and strange and new and excellent. Something so much better than anything I could have dreamed for the girl I used to be.

Perhaps this shaking out with a job and insurance and changes is some semblance of happy. I think perhaps this creeping excitement, the feeling that the world is my oyster, the desire to smile and say hello to everyone you pass on the street, everyone you sit next to on the bus.

I actually twirled down the street yesterday. Twirled. Seriously.

I'm not saying I'm there yet. But, a really long time ago, someone wrote something in his xanga to the effect of: She gets hurt, she breaks down, but then she pulls herself together and moves on. Because she's Ashley. (I paraphrase, of course. I'm not in the habit of seeking out things that will just make me horrifically depressed. Like xangas from times that I were certain the hardest I'd EVER face). And I think I'm there. I think this might be the start of the other end. The place where I get to be all smiles and cupcakes and rainbows and watermelon rings instead of a sobbing heap on the bedroom floor at the drop of a hat or the flick of an eyelash.

Anyway, here's to dreams that come true. And people that make you giggle in spite of yourself. And singing songs and twirling and blowing your breath out in puffs to see it in front of you in the freezing cold air. Here's to nights without nightmares and forgiving and moving on and loving and sharing smiles and beer and Impressionism and blasting Katy Perry as loudly as possible when no one is home. To believing in the fairy tale, even when it's not easy to see.

Most importantly, here's the finding happiness and strength in change and challenges and keeping your chin up the whole impossibly-hard way.

I remember; I think this is what happy feels like.

Thanks Matty

Dear Matty,

Thanks for letting me crawl into your bed and listening to my accounts of my escapades with wide eyes and open ears and no judgement (Unless it's worthy of being judged). Thanks for hallway high fives and love and support and smiles and the time we spend in the living room just catching up on all of the feelings we are having. I enjoyed our chat this morning ;)

Love,
me

Reasons I May Be the Queen of Self Sabatoge

1.) In spite of knowing certain things will instantly turn me into a puddle, like listening to my Jason Robert Brown Pandora station or thinking too much about the week's secrets from Post Secret, I do them anyway, without regard to the little screaming voice in my head desperately warning me to make better choices.

2.) I am a great communicator. I text. I call. I email. I document. I write. However, when it comes to times when this skill is really necessary, I'm really good at doing everything except responding to the letter from my grandmother on the counter or calling back the woman from that theatre company I was supposed to volunteer for or remembering to mail the store keys back to my former employer.

3.) In moments of perfect clarity, when I actually figure out that there is the potential for perfection in some given random situation, rather than pursuing with passion and putting up a fight, I find that I falter and step down silently, letting the moment slip by unnoticed and leaving nothing but some faint glitter of fleeting possibility.

4.) Clumsy. I think this appears in so many of my lists because it seriously is just one of the most crucial and true things about my entire being. I am just so clumsy. Both physically and thoughtfully. I trip when I get distracted by something shiny, both literally and metaphorically, most of the time making me seem like possibly the least put together human being you have ever ever met. (Although, to my credit, that damsel in distress thing has worked more times than I'd really care to admit...)

5.) I giggle. A lot. Like at really inappropriate times. About almost anything. Seriously. Inopportune.

6.) I play dumb. I'm not very good at owning up to my intelligence. Someone told me that people aren't into smart girls once, so I frequently, compulsively smile and nod and agree-with-everything-that-is-dripping-from-your-possibly-pretentious-possibly-wrong thoughts instead of showing off that I have several functional brain cells.

Thanks Jason

Dear Jason,

Thanks for still being the greatest from halfway across the country. All it takes is hearing Suddenly Seymour bursting forth from my phone and my heart lights up at the prospect of hearing your voice on the other end of the line, probably walking down a street that doesn't look too unlike the ones I'm walking on, Wintry and snowy and crowded with people trying to stay warm. I could talk to you for days, weeks, and still be wishing I could come collapse on your futon in my pajamas to watch romantic comedies and listen to musicals no one has ever heard of before. I miss you all the time.

Love,
me

Thanks Brandon

Dear Brandon,

Thanks for always being willing to go out of your way to rescue me from things like awkward encounters at karaoke bars and crying on guard rails in abandoned parking lot. You know how to reason and know the value of instantaneous long islands and always always always knowing the perfect motivational factor in any given situation. I enjoy sharing pancakes and pizza with you. (Meow Meow Kitty Cat)

Love,
me

Thanks Stephen

Dear Stephen,

Thanks for playing Mario Kart with me, listening to high pitched giggles and screams and serious frustrations. I know I'm not the greatest opponent, but you can always count on me to be dedicated and enthusiastic. You're a wonderful addition to our little family and I really love having you around. Mostly so I can sing that Taylor Swift song to you. All the time.

Love,
me

Thanks Break Room Lady

Dear Lady in the Break Room,

Thanks for breaking our awkward first day ice with your discussion of dollparts and interesting stories. You were amusing beyond belief, in spite of our being stuck in the break room, not knowing where to go or what to do next for an hour on our first day. I hope you amuse the people in your department as much as you amused the Visitor Services newbies :)

Cheers,
me

Thanks Bailey

Dear Bailey,

Thanks for dinners at The Pasta Bowl on nights when one really really needs a friend. Thanks for adventures in the city, for Twilight, for cupcakes, for hair color. I was really upset about my granny the other night and dinner with you really cheered me up. You just have that effect on people :)

Love,
me

Thanks Shannon

Dear Shannon,

Thanks for loving the Art Institute so much that you understand how exciting this new job is for me. Thanks for visiting me on my dinner break and wandering around to go get Bennigan's in the snowy downtown swirl after work. I'm glad we talked and that I got to sit for a bit; it was a lovely night to play catch up and watch the snow and the awkward guy with the salad hitting on the waitress across the room from us. Here's to picture cubes and burger joints.

Love,
me

Thanks David

Dear David,

Thanks for immediate phone call responses to text messaged disasters as they arise, no matter when, no matter where you are. Thanks for inviting me out even when you don't really want to go out, for distractions, for music, for sangria, for songs on walks on freezing Winter nights, for making me laugh until I don't remember why I was sad or mad or generally disgruntled. Thanks for sharing your friends. Most of all, thanks for listening, for paying attention, for noticing things like Chanel 75 and new shoes. It is greatly appreciated, always.

Love,
me

Thanks Terrell

Dear Terrell,

Thanks for doing all of the hard physical labor at the event we worked today. Checking one coat in 6 hours was pretty tough stuff, but you made it look so easy. Joking aside, thank you for conversation, for friendliness, for always being willing to help or step in to thwart any I'm-new-and-still-don't-really-know-how-to-direct-you-to-American-Gothic-or-La-Grande-Jatte-or-anything-other-than-the-modern-wing kinds of crises. I also really loved your stories about traveling and making music. Epic.

Love,
me

Thanks AIC

Dear Art Institute of Chicago,

Thanks for hiring me. Thanks for giving me real hours, a steady paycheck, and best of all, a plethora of benefits. Even though 403b's are way over my head and I don't really understand the difference between a PPO and an HMO, I'm incredibly incredibly thankful I finally have to figure them out. Also, breakfast and lunch (And even that slightly-burned-hanging-out-too-long-in-the-carafe coffee) were a lovely gesture.

Cheers,
Me

Thanks Mollie

Dear Mollie,

Thanks for baking brownies with me. For meeting me late at night downtown to ride home together, for listening to my exasperation, for letting me cuddle your kitten and watch the playoffs at your apartment. I don't think I could ever express how much all the little things you do mean to me.

Love,
me

PS~ The caramel nibs were totally a win. And we neeeeed Katy Perry nail polish.

Thanks Shirley

Dear Shirley,

Thanks for sitting down in the empty chair next to me yesterday, with your friendly smile and fuzzy hat. Thanks for jumping into conversation immediately, assuring me that my dreams will come true, when you don't even know what my dreams are, where my heart is. It's ok, Shirley, I don't either. But it seems like things are falling into place more and more every single day. So, I think you are right. I think my dreams will come true if I hang in there. Your reminder meant more than you could possibly know.

Love,
me

2011

Ok.

It's 2011.

This means several things to me.

a.) I survived 2010, and looking back on this blog around that time, I think we all know that's a miracle in itself.

b.) New start. New job. New committment to the Rule of Four. I'm making the most of this opportunity to change things I'm not happy with for the better.

c.) Gratitude. I'm thankful I survived 2010. I'm thankful for my big girl job. I'm thankful that it's snowy. I'm thankful for a lot of things. And this year, I want to show my gratitude to one person every day. 365 thank you notes will appear in this blog before Jan 1, 2012. Even if the first few are retrospective...And flood your little Networked Blog feed on facebook. Sorry.

d.) I'm just too excited for this year to start and to see what it has to bring me in the way of challenges and opportunities. I'm ready.

Cheers,
Ash

Snow

Today, from my big girl job at the Art Institute, I had the privilege of watching the snow fall. All day long. From the Michigan Avenue Coat Room, I watched through the big windows. Big flakes floating and sticking to sidewalk, lions, windblown tourists. Perfection.

On the way home, I leapt into tiny snowbanks to leave my footprints, giggling a little more like a kindergartener than a grad student as my boots squished into these little collections of snowflakes along the sidewalk. I looked up, caught snowflakes on my tongue, felt them glitter in streetlights as they melted onto my nose.

I won't lie. I even took advantage of the slippery street and twirled through the wind, enjoying the dusky halflight of a cloudy, winter evening. Snow sparkles, covering everything in sight, more like confetti than ice cubes. It's one of my favorite sights, light glittering off of snow when it's not quite light and not quite dark. That and the snow in moonlight and streetlights, when you can see it all whirling about through the air (sparkling; most importantly).

All this twirling, all this glitter blanketing the world in its glowy happiness; it's dreadfully romantic. It makes me want to be swept off my feet for nights full of snuggling with someone very warm and walking through cold, night air arm in arm with no one else on the street, and kisses under those snowy streetlights. And copious amounts of Bailey's, hot chocolate, and romantic movies.

Loving this Winter Wonderland...