Thanks Jason

Dear Jason,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for about a million and a half things you probably already know since you are in my head all the time. Today though, thank you for the note. That brought me quite a large smile. Thanks for always being right, always listening, always loving unconditionally no matter what kind of pickle big or small I'm in. Thanks for singing and dancing and twirling and talking and adventures, both tiny and grand. And I think you know that I could NOT be more excited for you and the adventure you are undertaking. Until next time :)

Love,
me

Thanks Cory

Dear Cory,

In preparation to go see Eclipse at the theater, I decided I would reread the book. I mean, it is my favorite after all. So I read the copy you gave me. And your notes in between Stephenie Meyer's words, your interjections on the way life works within and without Twilight made me feel like you were here with me, closer than states away, whispering and hotly debating between Edward and Jacob between giggles about Taylor Lautner's amazing abs. Which was a nice feeling. I ended reading with your parting note in the book's back cover, which I confess I read sometimes just to remember how much you love me, like it's a friend, a paper version of the warmth of your fuzzy face. Thank you for that book. I will always always always love it. And you. Immensely.

Love,
me

Stop Worrying Where You're Going

The thing about growing up is that you don't notice it happening until it has. And the people around you start getting married and having real jobs and doing everything in their power to make their dreams come true. And it's kind of beautiful how it sneaks up on you, whispers in your ear, enticing you to come forward, step out, be more, make those dreams happen.

Now, I'm not so sure how to make my dreams come true, but I know that there are people in my life, always so willing to help me figure it out, who know how to chase after the life they want with all the life they've been given. They light from inside and find bravery in the darkest corners of their hearts and stomp forward, with a smile, with a song, with a tiny pirouette. Who remind me that I am brave enough to figure it out too, who keep me balanced when everything spins just a little too fast. Their dreams are big, their goals are mighty, and yet, with every little piece of my heart, I know that there is magnificence brewing, magic waiting to be sprung, lives to be touched by your beautiful, beautiful hearts. And it makes me want to be better. And it makes me happy. So very very happy.

But sometimes that means that the people you love the most have to leave you for a while. But distance can't change what someone means to you, what someone has meant to you. Goodbye is not always forever, and farewells don't have to be sad. Sometimes an ending is really just a beginning backwards, a step to something new and exciting. With a kiss and a tilt of the hat between letters and phone calls at 3 AM and emails, there's never a shortage of ways to say what needs to be said. And as for the people I'm really talking about here, I couldn't be prouder to love you from afar, see what magic you will work and be gloriously reunited when the time is right :) Luck and love. Luck and love. And remember, life really is just a bowl of cherries :) Adieu.

Letting Go

I am feeling many things.

I have been feeling many things.

I need to let it go. It's time.

Yellow Dress x2

I remembered how great you were, yellow dress, so I wore you again and I did not regret that decision one little bit. Just thought you should know.

Thanks Kelly

Dear Kelly,

I am really glad you and Sami came to visit. Thanks for being an awesome houseguest, courteous and clean, etc. Thank you for buying us pizza and jello shots and for being splendid parade company. I loved getting to spend some time with you and Sam. Mostly though, thank you for making my Sami happy. Thank you for loving her, taking care of her, fighting with her, making her want to be better. She is herself more than I have seen her in ages when she is with you and I love seeing that in her. Luck and love until we meet again :)

Love,

me

Oh, and you really are the Grill Master.

Thanks Brian

Dear Brian,

Thanks for agreeing to go to the beach rather than pack. And for doing laundry with me on a Friday night. And for telling me I'm pretty and letting me cry on your lovely Express shirts periodically. Also, for never turning down a chance for dinners we can't afford or drinks we don't need and for being a wonderful running partner. I know that underneath your icy exterior, there's just more cold, cold water, but sometimes, on very very hot days, cold water is exactly what you need :)

Love,

me

Breathing

In and out. In and out. So basic. So simple. Sustains. Moves. Inhale. Exhale. Easy, right?

So why does it seem today that it's a little more impossible than usual?

Somestimes it's like even my life has asthma. :)

Eat, Pray, Love

I have not been so moved by a book since I read The Alchemist upon my lovely friend Kim's recommendation.

It may be just what I needed right now.

But more on that later.

I have to finish reading first.

Wanderlust

Sometimes,

Don't you find that all you really want to do is just go go go go go?

Right now I can't think of anything I'd like to do more than see everything, do anything, trying new things, meeting new people, living from city to city to small town, finally do everything I always wanted to.

I think it might finally be my turn to take a glorious bite out of the world.

What do I pack and when can I leave?

Thanks Jamey

Dear Jamey,

Thanks for coming to visit me with Mommy. You have always been a little ray of sunshine in my life, ever since I knew you were going to be born. From the moment I met you on a very chilly December day at a Panera in Beavercreek, OH and I got to hold you, I knew we were going to be fast fast friends. And now, two and a half years later, you talk and walk and charm every person you meet. And I still love you with my whole heart. I had so much fun playing with you and taking you out on the town this week. I really hope you come back to visit me again soon!!!

Love,

Ash-y

Visitors

My friend Kelli and her son, Jamey, are in town to visit.

You can rest assured that my next update will include about a dozen adorable photographs from our escapades.

Until then, I am just so happy to have them here!!!

Serendipity

Serendipity: an aptitude for making fortunate discoveries by accident

I find when I am off searching for what I think I want or need, it is in those moments that life throws me something wonderful, yet unrelated. When these things happen, these moments of great serendipity, I find the best you can do is embrace them, cherish the findings, let the happiness of the moment wash over you and guide you.

So, have faith in whatever you'd like to put your faith in. I put much of mine in serendipity.

Thanks Cubs

Dear Cubs,

Sometimes I'm a little down on you. Mostly because your fans flood the el, flood the streets, get drunk, call me sugar, really get on my nerves etc. Although there are many positive things that come of you. Like rooftop parties, fun bar scenes, cute devoted fans and a great ballpark to visit. Today, I'd like to thank you for sluaghtering your opponent on the day that Jason and I decided to spend fifteen dollars on tickets to one of your games. Winning 12 to 1 was really quite impressive considering there were Angels in the Outfield (No really, the LA Angels). I really appreciate you making J's first game that much of a game. You guys did great, and all I really have to say to that is "Go, Cubs, Go!"

Love,

me

Thanks Williams

Dear Williams,

Thanks for letting me borrow your umbrella during the crazy apocolyptic thunderstorms that were occurring as we left the Goodman on Friday evening. I made it home dry and in one piece, all thanks to your kind gesture. You rock.

Love,
me

Thanks Chris

Dear Chris,

Thanks for, in your 90 days of sobriety, listening to drunk me prattle on the first night we met and it was just you and me and Taryn at the table for quite some time. Thanks for being excited to have met me and excited to see me again. Most of all, thanks for seeking dinner dates and leaving your phone number in your facebook status so that it was there when Jason and I were trying to decide what to do for dinner. I'm so glad I finally tried sushi. Even the octopus and the piece termed gelatinous by you know who. I'm also glad you did not judge me for my lack of sushi experience and chopstick skills. Anyway, you are an A+ dinner date, dancing date, and just a lovely addition in the new friend category. I can't wait to hang out with you more, since it seems like each time we do, some sort of epic adventure ensues. Like sushi rolls the size of your arm. Or dancing to jams at a straight bar until 2 AM. Always always always a good time.

Love,

me

Dollar Smoothies

I have a serious Jamba Juice problem.

And on Wednesday, there were dollar smoothies.

Which was Heaven for me. Just heaven.

(Not so much for my gaggle of friends gainfully employed there :( but for me, yes)

Thanks Sam

Dear Sam,

I know we only hung out like three and half times, but thanks for all three and a half of those times. And for sharing ice cream before you departed. You are going to do great and amazing things. And that has to be true because I know it and I've only hung out with you three and half times. Luck and love from the Windy City through Cabo to California!!!

Love,

me

Thanks Yellow Dress

Dear Yellow Dress,

Thanks for attracting all the right kind of attention from women, gay men, and straight men alike. I greatly appreciate your presence in my closet and I'm sorry for constantly underestimating your charm and versatility. Next time, I will remember our encounters this go around and how many compliments I recieved on you. And I will wear you more. Promise.

Love,

me

PS~ Also, thanks for making Jason and I the most happily, sunshiny, rainbow bright, colorful people in the room on Monday night :)

Thanks Valerie

Dear Valerie,

Thank you for coming to Chicago. And then for being up for an adventure. And for walking through Wrigleyville and singing Whitney Houston and taking pictures in photo booths and agreeing that going to a rooftop party with men we had never met before was a good idea. Also, thanks for getting us home in one piece and not leaving me for Tom from Ireland. You always make my life better by being in it and I think Vanessa will second that opinion.

Hugs and kisses forever,

me

Thanks Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for telling me I looked pretty today. And for always being super contagiously excited with your huge, gorgeous smile when we randomly bump into each other on campus, especially at the gym. I'm seriously going to miss our random Ray Meyer type encounters until August!!! The elliptical will just not be the same without you. Anyway, I look forward to your return to the city and hope you have a wonderful summer in sunny South Florida with your lovely family :)

Love,

me

Thanks John Patrick Shanley

Dear John Patrick Shanley,

Thanks for writing the longest commencement speech ever. How long? Long enough for many babies to be removed screaming and for the man behind me to nod off and snore. Repeatedly. Throughout. However, thanks also for keeping it light, making the graduation process significantly less emotional and subsequently preventing me from getting too bummed out about Jason's impending move. Also, I really loved Moonstruck. So thanks for that too :)

Love,
Ashley

Thanks Blackhawks

Dear Chicago Blackhawks,

Thank you for winning the Stanley Cup. Not because I follow hockey (I don't). Not because I'm one of those desperately devoted Chicago fans (I'm not). Mostly because, in your win, a celebration city wide commenced, coinciding with Vanessa's and my decision to go out to do karaoke. And the streets were filled with people. And the lights were bright and the cars and bars were noisy. And it was glorious, gritty, city time, together, united in love for our acclaimed hockey team, clinging to just one sport-pepper-no-ketchup-Chicago-style athletic success. And since Ness and I were out, we met many fans. Like Jose (see above). And Sean? Who picked up our bar tab. Because we were pretty and LOVE the Blackhawks. Duh. And the gin and tonic (see above) and the spectacular view from that 17th story balcony were pretty sweet, I have to say. All thanks to you, hockey team. All thanks to you.

Love,
me

Thanks Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

Thanks for wanting to go out tonight. And for listening to my randomosities. Also, for making bombay potatoes and bringing me wine. I love you.

Love,
me

Victory

Thanks for bearing with me as I pulled that off. Which I did.

HELLO SUMMER!!!!!!!!!

Hours

5 pages. 11 hours. Let's do this.

Thanks Random Drunk Observer

Dear Random Drunk Observer,

You totally made my night last night. All awhirl in social anxiety and stress and feeling decidedly uncharming, your casual notation and insight into everything I'm trying to be affirmed me somehow; made me feel beautiful, free, enchanting, funny, like a delight. I hope I am perceived the way you saw me, and I hope you are right about my adorability and excellent friend skills aiding me in finding the man of my dreams. And don't worry, when I find him I won't lose my cute friend in the glasses in the process, just as you warned me not to. But how did you know I was on a quest to find the love of my life? Am I just that easy to read? Is that bad? Maybe I hope I am. Because that makes me feel like an open book, ready to be plucked off the shelf and read at any minute by whatever passerby comes my way, friend, love, pet, small child complimenting my pretty white dress, whatever. I think that's an honest way to live and love and I think more and more that kind of genuine honesty is where happiness comes from. And you did say I had a lovely smile :) I hope I do; it took me long enough to find it again.

Love,
me

Update

23 pages down. 12 more to go. 23 hours left. I think I can. I think I can.

Also, gloomy day is completely uninspiring when you have to write a trillion pages. And red bull is really foul. I can't believe people drink that stuff for pleasure. I'm not sure how to find a rhythm to finish the work for this class. I just don't really get lesson plans I think. I knew I should have just written about Twilight. When will I ever have the opportunity to write a scholarly paper about Twilight again? (Which reminds me that I am ridiculously excited about Eclipse coming out...)

If I pull off this paper, I am sooooooo buying myself something pretty. Albeit cheap. But pretty. Probably in the form of a dress. That is pretty.

Fairy godmother? Now would be a good time for one of those to materialize.

Nervous

I am currently feeling nervous about the following things:

1.) My ability to actually get this apartment that my roommates and I are applying for.

2.) My ability to let go and actually do a decent minute and a half of work for Jason's directing project. It would be really cool to not suck that up. I guess I was hoping to jump in and be impressive, but I'm definitely more rusty than I anticipated.

3.) Money. Need I say more?

4.) Figuring out what the brave way to pursue my dreams is going to be.

5.) My ability to finish all 36 pages that are due by tomorrow at 5.

6.) I have been meeting many new people lately and it would be cool if they liked me.

7.) June 29.

But, a random stranger told me last night that he had observed me and that I was a great friend to all of the people I was with, even the ones I didn't know. He said I was beautiful and adorable and that I should just keep doing what I was doing and that would be how I would meet my Prince Charming someday. It was really very sweet. It is these tiny encounters with people who can look into your soul when they don't even know you that make me want to be a better person, a better friend, kinder, gentler, less nervous.

Deep breath!

Thanks Em

Dear Emily,

Thanks for supporting my Tuesday morning stupors with deeply discounted frozen fruity concotions and for engaging in homework parties that involve all of that excellent new friend kind of conversation. I'm glad you're more than just the girl that sells me my smoothies now :) I totally dig you being my new friend and, hopefully, that is a mutual feeling.

Love,
me

Sangria

Sangria ia probably the easiest way to coax me to do anything. Literally. Anything. I can think of silly things I've done while drinking sangria, stupid things I've done while drinking sangria, and many lovely times had accompanied by sangria, homemade, jugged, or otherwise.

Tonight, peachy strawberry-y sangria is my companion in the epic quest to write 30 pages before Wednesday.

Mmmm...If only writing papers was as much fun as writing about fruity, bubbly, pretty, pink, delicious sangria in all of its glory. Sip sip sip gulp write.

Hmmm..

Have I mentioned lately that I really just want to drop out of grad school and Carrie Bradshaw my way out of this popcicle stand and make something a little more real happen?

Thanks Michelle

Dear Michelle (Michelle that I work for, not Michelle from class who was previously mentioned),

Thanks for leaving money for food and for texting me your sangria recipe. Sangria makes papers go infinitely more quickly. Although I should be working on them and not updating my blog. Oops. Anyway, you do lots of very tiny, amazingly kind things for me all the time and I hope that you know that none of them go unnoticed. You are beautiful inside and out and I hope someday to be the calibre of woman that you are.

Love,
me

Thankful Things About the Past 5 Years

I graduated from high school 5 years ago today. And there are a lot of things that have happened in the past 5 years that I am so grateful for. Far too many to actually list out without it taking a million years of my time and yours (the three people who read this) So here's a list of a few standouts :)

1.) Earning my BA in English, and then subsequently discovering (on a really bumpy, but extremely exciting journey) that there truly is NOTHING to do with a BA in English.

2.) Learning to love someone with everything you have in yourself and the gloriousness of what it feels like when they love you back.

3.) I was privileged with second and third chances, all over the place.

4.) I have met, grown close to, learned to love, and lost a few of the greatest people in the world. I would never have made it this far without them.

5.) I got to present my senior honors thesis at the Jane Austen Society of North America's Annual Meeting. Epic.

6.) I found somewhere buried deep within me a serious, devoted, sometimes ugly love of football.

7.) I have read a lot of good books since high school.

8.) I found the courage to move away from home, away from my parents, and learn how to make things happen and make life work and actually try my hand at being a grown up.

9.) I learned how to do my own laundry. Take that as you will.

10.) When things haven't worked out, I have successfully managed to change them so that they work better or cut my losses and move on when they are not salvageable anymore.

11.) I have almost successfully completed half of my master's degree in English.

12.) There are just so many lessons I've learned. It's impossible to even begin to embark or a synopsis of them and still do them justice.

13.) I learned the truest happinesses and felt the deepest lows, but thankfully spent far more time on the former rather than the latter.

14.) Adventures. I have seen new places, tried new kinds of food, tried new kinds of jobs, seen sites, crossed Central Park, crossed the country, seen my work on stage (albeit not my best work), and moved to a new city that outpopulates my old home by many many millions.

15.) I met Kelly Kapowski. Tiffani Theissen for realsies. That was pretty sweet.

16.) I also met Noah Wyle.

17.) Stephen Daldry bought me a drink.

18.) I found several things that I truly truly love to do :) So maybe someday, I'll get a big girl job and pursue them.

19.) I am grateful for the number of pairs of shoes and the quantity of sundresses, skirts, and cute sweaters I have been graced with. Thanks mom.

20.) I lost 40 pounds and gained it all back and then some. And then lost a little again. But now, I think I'm finally beginning to figure out why I'm really beautiful.

So, I mean, there's just so much more than that to say, to think about, to ponder. So many people I miss, so many people I'm glad I don't have to. But 5 years. I wonder where I'll be in 5 more...

Thanks Bailey

Dear Bailey,

Thank you for putting aloe on my seriously nasty peeling skin in the backroom at Sweet and Sassy yesterday. Bravery. That's what that took! Yikes.

Love,
me

Amendment

I guess I should qualify that I don't actually think your heart is dark and twisty. I'm sorry.

Thank You

In half an hour, it will be June 3. Just another regular, ordinary day. No pomp. No circumstance. For the first time in quite some time. Days go by when I barely think about you. It's hard to remember the sound of your voice, easier to forget the way your nose crinkles when you laugh. I've spent most of the past 6 months thinking ill of you. Today, I can't. I can't help but remember a time, long long ago and not all that far away before high school ended and we ever thought about leaving Beavercreek and you were dating her and I was seeing him and all you were was my sometimes a little too irritating melodramatic best friend that occaisionally made your way into the fringes of my dreams. I don't miss your moods or your messes or your temper or eating macaroni and cheese at every meal, but I do miss that time before. The us before us. Thank you for being my friend then and then so much more after. Things may have ended not so well and you may not be the person I thought you were or hoped you'd be, but I do have much to thank you for, more than you will probably ever know or care to understand. Thank you for loving me when you did, and subsequently, for showing me in your absence and abandonment that I am capable of going it alone, for teaching me that it's me that has to rebuild me and that people can hurt you more than you ever knew they were capable of. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow and pushing me to fluourish without you, which I am. Which is why this is just another, ordinary day. But today, I will celebrate this day without you, for me for once, for making it this far and for having courage to continue onward. And for reasons that no one else has to understand, I will think only kind thoughts for you today and wish you well, and hope that if you note the day and I wander into your mind, that you would find it somewhere in the bottom of your kind of dark and rather twisty heart to do the same for me.

Love,
me

Cold Compress

Sometimes all you really need is a friend that is willing to make and hold cold compresses on your sunburn that has blistered so badly it is oozing. That is the definition of true love, and I think, really, is applicable to many things other than just sun exposure. It's having people that love you that much when you are oozing and peeling and on fire that make every single day worth living with a smile.

Thanks Michelle

Dear Michelle,

I know that the only conversation we've ever had was about our mutual enjoyment of Oscar Wilde and his appearance on the MAE comprehensive exam when you took it, in spite of the fact that we sat next to each other all quarter. However, those brownies you made last night with the chocolate chunks and the gooey stuff were sinful. It was like crack wrapped up in a little aluminum foil and it made allllllll of the discussion of Blasted, which was hard to discuss much much better. Thank you.

Love,
me