Valentine's Day

Little pink hearts everywhere. Sparkles; cardboard boxes with the latest cartoon character professing how cool you think the recipient of the card he or she is gracing to be. Those really lame foil covered chocolate roses. All appearing in that weird middle aisle in the grocery store where they just cleared the Christmas Candy which had quickly replaced the Halloween Candy...

Yes. It's creeping up: Valentine's Day.

I just have so many thoughts about Valentine's Day. So, I'll do what I do best: I'll make a list. Or two. Or maybe even three. We'll see.

Reasons I'm Opposed to Valentine's Day

1.) Well, what desperately single twenty something girl who's ever had her heart dragged through the mud isn't?

2.) Romance is way too personal/individual/subjective to be relegated to some Hallmark holiday dreamed up in a cubicle somewhere to make girls with too many feelings pine away and pray for Cupid to bring them men. And chocolate.

3.) It's almost February and no suitable Valentines have materialized. Not to say that I'm dismissing the prospect of a meet cute or simply giving up or anything; I meet hundreds of new people a day at the museum. I'm just saying that it makes me prickly to think about being Valentine-less. (For clarification on suitable, please see: Traits a Suitable Valentine Candidate Must Be in Posession Of)

4.) No Valentine's Day will be as awesome as the one spent last year in Shannon Sullivan's living room. Snuggling with Jason, The First Wives' Club, Cupcakes, Champagne, Romantic dinner for 4, a legit turning point in my general mindset and well-being. Seriously, perfect.

Reasons I Secretly Love Valentine's Day

1.) Hello; have you met me? I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic. I love love. All love. All the time. Even forced romance is a little bit magical. Not quite as magical as dancing down an empty street in the moonlight or kissing in the rain while sharing an umbrella, but there's something in the way that people go out of their way to show the people that they love how much they love them on February 14 that is really really beautiful.

2.) Pink is my favorite color.

3.) I really love boxes of chocolate. And I love baking holiday goodies. Like heart shaped sugar cookies and brownies with red and white heart sprinkles. And Swirlz always has awesome Valentine's Day cupcakes.

4.) I have a history of really awesome Valentine's. Even the boyfriends who were the least considerate, the least thoughtful, the most hurtful were creative, wonderful in their Valentine's Day efforts. So I still have a little faith in this rigged romance for managing to bring out the best in every diamond in the rough.

5.) I'm a really great maker of Valentines :)

Traits a Suitable Valentine Candidate Must Be in Posession Of

1.) Willingness to take me out on a legitimate Valentine's Day date, including but not limited to dinner, a movie or play or suitable entertainment portion, and post activity drinks

2.) Willingness to pick up the tab

3.) Willingness to tell me I'm pretty without being prompted

4.) The ability to carry on a conversation intelligently; bonus points for referring to books/blogs/newspapers/magazines recently read

5.) A Romantic Spirit; enjoyment of little things like candlelight and lovely music. But in a manly way.

6.) Dedication to a sports team. Unless that team is the New England Patriots.

7.) Appreciation of the arts, including French Impressionism, poetry, and theatre

8.) Knowledge of the basic waltz pattern and willingness to dance in snow/rain/on empty city streets

9.) Muscles are always a plus.

10.) A real job. And a credit score of over 600.

11.) Appreciation of beer and/or good gin and/or whiskey.

12.) Willingness to laugh at bad jokes and at himself. Overall good sense of humor.

13.) Must be more or equally excited about Valentine's Day date as other involved party.

And so, I'll be thinking about love and Valentine's Day and seeking candidates for actual Valentine's until the day hits, the moment comes. Mostly, I'll be thinking of everything I learned and being ever so grateful for what last Valentine's Day turned out to be.

Kisses,
me

Thanks Mom

Dear Mom,

Thanks for listening as I plot my grocery and to-do lists on the phone on my days off, even though I'm sure there are way more exciting things you could be doing. I love you.

Kisses,
me

Thanks MollieBrandonDavidPouncer

Dear MollieBrandonDavidPouncer (aka the Residents of the 551),

Thanks for providing this restless warrior a home away from home, conveniently located within pajama distance (This is a plus in that it is quick to trek there, even when it is raining/sleeting/snowing/I-am-trying-to-make-a-quick-getaway-from-goings-on-at-home-at-work-at-large.) A place where I can come to cry, to laugh, to snuggle, to get my cute kitten, cable, baking, and nerd fixes all in one. Mostly, thanks collectively for being some of the very best friends any girl could ever hope to have. And tonight, thanks for sharing the Golden Globes and cooking shows.

Hugs and kisses,
me

Thanks Random Married Couple at The Yard on Saturday

Dear Random Married Couple at The Yard on Saturday,

I had my doubts about you when I first perched myself precariously on that barstool where my feet had no hope of touching the floor. Your inebriated voices were too much after my day in the Michigan Ave coatroom, in spite of a bubble bath, complete with candlelight and set to Mozart. But then you started feeding the little computerized jukebox on the wall with quarters and choosing songs by Journey, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban. My heart (and the bubbles floating in my Spaten) danced a little; God, I danced a little. And it totally rocked my Saturday night.

Love,
me

Thanks After Dark Attendees on the Street

Dear Girls Attending After Dark that Dalina and I ran into on the street,

Thanks for your vivacity, your sneakiness, your willingness to chitchat about where we were from, what we were doing. Especially, thanks for offerring to sneak us bottles of beer, which we politely turned down. In spite of the freezing wind and thousands of coats and scarves and drunken owners, it was nice to speak to someone kind and interested, rather than drunk and condescending. You guys were pretty cool.

Love,
me

Happiness

Happiness hit her like a train on a track...

I think maybe the Dog Days are Over.

Ok, maybe not over. But close to over. Coming to their finale, taking a bow. Maybe all of these months and days and seconds of being the most miserable human being that ever roamed the face of the planet are finally exploding into something beautiful and strange and new and excellent. Something so much better than anything I could have dreamed for the girl I used to be.

Perhaps this shaking out with a job and insurance and changes is some semblance of happy. I think perhaps this creeping excitement, the feeling that the world is my oyster, the desire to smile and say hello to everyone you pass on the street, everyone you sit next to on the bus.

I actually twirled down the street yesterday. Twirled. Seriously.

I'm not saying I'm there yet. But, a really long time ago, someone wrote something in his xanga to the effect of: She gets hurt, she breaks down, but then she pulls herself together and moves on. Because she's Ashley. (I paraphrase, of course. I'm not in the habit of seeking out things that will just make me horrifically depressed. Like xangas from times that I were certain the hardest I'd EVER face). And I think I'm there. I think this might be the start of the other end. The place where I get to be all smiles and cupcakes and rainbows and watermelon rings instead of a sobbing heap on the bedroom floor at the drop of a hat or the flick of an eyelash.

Anyway, here's to dreams that come true. And people that make you giggle in spite of yourself. And singing songs and twirling and blowing your breath out in puffs to see it in front of you in the freezing cold air. Here's to nights without nightmares and forgiving and moving on and loving and sharing smiles and beer and Impressionism and blasting Katy Perry as loudly as possible when no one is home. To believing in the fairy tale, even when it's not easy to see.

Most importantly, here's the finding happiness and strength in change and challenges and keeping your chin up the whole impossibly-hard way.

I remember; I think this is what happy feels like.

Thanks Matty

Dear Matty,

Thanks for letting me crawl into your bed and listening to my accounts of my escapades with wide eyes and open ears and no judgement (Unless it's worthy of being judged). Thanks for hallway high fives and love and support and smiles and the time we spend in the living room just catching up on all of the feelings we are having. I enjoyed our chat this morning ;)

Love,
me