A Bill of Rights for Tiny Ladies

I am writing this after an inexplicably long hiatus, sitting in an apartment on the 27^th floor of a building that is clearly not mine, although in the past few weeks, I’ve spent more time here than I have in my own place. Time hanging out with a fiercely independent almost-two-year-old, who thinks hugs are the greatest gifts and Cookie Monster in her best friend, but still has a comeapart when there is no ice in her water. Last week, I spent a day with Tessa, now almost four, who was an immobile dollop of rosy-cheeked and giant-eyed four-month-oldness when I met her. She has grown into a quick-witted person with thoughts and opinions about everything. (Word to the wise: Those opinions are ALWAYS right.)

These tiny women are treasures in their pirate hats and tiaras, conquering building blocks and Spanish phrases while learning to spell and count. They will grow from striking toddlers to precocious little women and the world can’t drop the ball for them or for any of the other rad little ladies out there. The last time I wrote about this, my friend Elyse challenged me to write a Bill of Rights for Tiny Ladies and so I am, a bit overdue. Supporting young women as they grow into older women is the way the world moves, the way it becomes better. It is a spark to light a fire to make a brighter tomorrow for women everywhere.

1.)    The unequivocal right to identify her dreams and pursue them, whether that is at breakneck speed or snail’s pace.

2.)    A nickname that is based on something she did that was silly or impressive, not a physical attribute or a moment that will be horrifying in five years. No one wants to keep explaining the aforementioned horrifying incident, especially not a poor pubescent lady trying to be ladylike.

3.)    The understanding that she does not need to explain herself or apologize. Ever.

4.)    A respectful space to come to terms with and learn to love her physical being. This is so hard. I had a space like this at home and it still took me 26 years to reach a place where I was really and truly comfortable in my skin. And I still take celebrity fat-shaming really personally, as though it’s some valued reflection on my own body. I JUST LOST 30 POUNDS, for goodness sake. This is a cycle that has to be broken before another female life falls victim to it; I know I’m done being a victim to it, sensitive though I still may be.

5.)    The chance to inherit or form her own healthy habits regarding activity, nutrition, stress, and self-esteem. Young women should not be forced to feel the shame regarding their bodies and stress, etc. that their mothers and female relatives do. There needs to be dialogue to help older women cope with these issues in an effective way to make sure young women are not having the anxieties, the bad habits deeply rooted into their psyches.

6.)    The ability to walk across a room or down the street in silence, without feeling unsafe, if she so chooses. Walking home late at night or down that block that seems a little sketchy or through that area where there are a lot of bars or even just to the other side of the bar for that matter, what grown woman hasn’t felt her breath catch in her chest and sped up her footfalls as fast as possible, searching her purse for a possible weapon. Or just been grabbed by some random guy. Or just had some drunk guy start a (usually inappropriate) conversation with her, about her lips or her legs in that dress or the way that dress would look on the floor. These conversations and actions would merit lawsuits in a workplace and they don’t make getting from point a to point b any easier.

7.)    The knowledge that there is someone who is on her side, no matter what and no matter when. No one should ever have to feel wholly alone, especially in the delicate time before being a grown up. I think back to the time my friends Mollie and Brandon followed my ex-boyfriend to my apartment, knowing he was going to break up with me. In the moment my world felt like it had fallen apart, there they were. Everyone deserves that. 

8.)    An understanding of what it means to be a woman and that chance to understand what that means to her. The knowledge that being a women has not always meant what it does in our society and respecting those who pioneered feminism and suffrage and lobbied for the rights of women. The knowledge that there are women, still, who are not afforded freedoms we take for granted every day.

9.)    A cultivated celebration of diversity. She should learn that tolerance and change are always worth fighting for and that the world can only be made stronger by the countless perspectives in it if we stop and listen to each other rather than fight each other tooth and nail.

10.) The empowerment to order for herself at a restaurant. This does not sound like a big deal, but when was last time someone ordered for you at a restaurant? Unless you are sharing something and really only one of you can order then, it makes you feel a little meek and awkward.

11.) The ability to make a decision, firmly and unapologetically. This is important. Whether it is where to move after college or how a person prefers their eggs a la Runaway Bride, it shows decisiveness and that she actually knows a little but about herself.

12.) The ability to say no. When society is constantly telling women that they need to have it all, I feel like this skill gets really muddied on a large scale level.  Every facet of life does not require multitasking. Likewise, every moment of every day does not need to be saturated with activity or plans or commitments. It is ok to learn to say no and make use of that skill.

13.) Access to positive female role models (and male), both real and fictitious. When I was young, my role models were Olivia Newton-John, Bette Davis, and Nancy Drew. I’m now really inspired by Amy Poehler and her work with Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls, Tina Fey, CJ Craig, and Nancy Drew.

14.) Access to as many books, musicals, plays, operas, paintings, etc. as she can consume. My parents were truly amazing and took me to the library so often that I literally read every book in the Young Adult section. Every book. I also listened to every single musical theatre recording in the Beavercreek Public Library, and subsequently, the Ball State University Library. I still read voraciously and I remember seeing my parents reading and playing music and doing art all the time growing up. They did these things with me and I think that explains about 95% about who I am, particularly my affinity for Rock Music from 1975-1983.

15.) The knowledge of how to seek out and cultivate relationships with other females who will make you stronger, even when you cannot find your own footing. Female to Female relationships can be really tricky. There was a recent survey I read and I wish I could find to actually link here, but it was a hard copy alas, but the gist showed the way that females who claim to be “friends” in the workplace hold each other down. Think about Mean Girls. Think about your friends, your frenemies. In a culture where young girls are raised thinking it’s normal to treat each other the way girls on TV do, it’s no wonder girl on girl hate and bullying is so rampant. Now that I am an adult, I understand that friendship is not a constant, it’s an ebb and flow that changes as the people in it change and their needs vary. And that’s kind of a beautiful thing. But you have to find people who will support you, lift you up, believe in you when you are feeling crummy and be willing to do the same for them. Otherwise, what’s the point?

16.) An understanding of feminism and its importance and why you cannot denounce feminism as an intelligent woman in 2013 and beyond. My heart sank when Katy Perry actually voiced the words that she is not a feminist last year. Being a feminist is not about being militant or butch; it’s about celebrating women. It’s about helping them be equal. It’s about a lot of really amazing, smart sparks who want to change the world and respect the women in it. And the women who did that before. Women in 2013 would not be where they are, 20% life earning gap or not without feminism and when a pop icon denounces the entire vein of education and thought, a huge opportunity for cultivating change is lost and wasted.

17.) The opportunity to make mistakes and messes in a safe space.

18.) The opportunity to learn how to have relationships with men who are respectful and kind, either romantically or platonically.

19.) The opportunity to know that beauty is more than just what some magazine tells you. I’ll spare you a rant about the media’s affect on body dysmorphia and eating disorders. However, beauty is something more than black dresses and red lipstick. It is generosity and kindness and seeing  baby smile. It’s crashing waves on Lake Michigan and seeing elephant seals on the California Coast. It’s hugging your mom after not seeing her for months and that little voice that you heed when you do the right thing. It is just so much more than skin deep.

20.) The opportunity to never be told she’s fat or skinny or made to feel like she needs to do something desperate to change her body just to fit in.

21.) A vocabulary so full of words that it is unnecessary to use demeaning ones toward friends. Language is the entire basis of most interactions that people have. Aside from English being a predominantly masculine language, women have adopted many extreme words as terms of endearment. But, just because a word is a term of endearment to one person doesn’t make it kind to another. I think these conversations based on name-calling like this are detrimental to female-female interaction.

22.) An understanding of how far kindness and gratitude can truly go. Seriously, they are everything.

23.) Ceaseless education. No one should ever stop learning; the almost two year old is Jewish and I have learned a ton about Judaism and keeping kosher from her family. It’s awesome. Every child, boy or girl, should have the chance to pursue education in a way that works for them as far as they can.

24.) Time to try out a myriad of different things and weed out the ones that are a bad fit to stick with the ones that really work. I sing really well. But my first instrument was the piano. Then the saxophone. My parents said the happiest day of their lives was when I stopped playing the saxophone. And as it turned out, knowing theory from piano made studying voice really easy for me; much easier than practicing piano. Which is how I realized I had a pretty decent voice. I still sing, almost constantly, but I actually take lessons even in adulthood.

25.) A chance for opportunity and adventure beyond her wildest dreams.

I’m not naïve. I understand what an undertaking it would be to provide any one of those things to any one child, much less a world of them, factoring in constraints of poverty and rural/urban settings, etc. But something has to change for the ladies of the US, of the world. The politicization of uteruses, the pay gap, being one of the only developed countries with a parental leave system so sloppy that we can hardly support new families. There are obstacles, giant hurdles that require more than a leap of faith and change of heart. That being said, if no one ever tries to celebrate these aspects of girlhood by building this well of self-esteem and knowledge into our future women, where is the future going to go? And maybe by investing in the future, we can solve some of the problems we have today so that our little women don't have to tackle them tomorrow.